SUBLIMATION Sublimate your Sex Drive, Don't Suffocate It One of the few times Freud was in agreement with his Victorian culture was when he taught the usefulness of sublimating the sex drive before marriage.  (His biographies all suggest he had to work hard at practicing what he preached on this score.)  The word sublimate comes […]

  Packing your Suitcase with the Facts I grew up in the fifties, thinking that marital fidelity was just what you do.  As far as I had heard, most all the Schmidts had apparently been faithful to their spouses. I was told that it just made good sense, for families and for society.  At church […]

Why Some are Choosing Traditional Values in our Pornified Culture Sexual energy, beautiful bodies, romantic love, and close relationships -- as much as they are idolized in our culture, there is nothing inherently good or bad about them. They are all morally neutral resources, because they can be used for good or bad purposes. Whether or not […]

How to Talk with your Spouse about Counseling   How Much do I want to Help My Wife and our Relationship to Get Healthy too?   _____   Do I want my wife to receive the guidance and support that she needs to  become my partner in recovery? ______ If I am interacting with my wife in […]

31 Insights and Solutions for Wives of Sex Addicts          Since all of the sex addicts I work with are heterosexual males, and virtually all are married, I will be addressing these remarks to their “wives”. The same dynamic would usually apply to other forms of romantic partnership.   Many though not all of the items […]

The most important things to understand about the outlines below are: The phases need to be experienced in order, as each requires things learned in earlier stages.  None of these phases can be completed without ongoing guidance and support from others. The marriage cannot recover unless both parties and the marriage itself go through each […]

THE LOST ART OF THE EFFECTIVE APOLOGY Imagine that you have messed up big time—physically abused your child, cheated on your wife, stole money at work, or lied to your husband about where you were.  And let’s say you really want to make sure that both you and the people you’ve hurt can trust that […]

The “word of God” can also be found in Christian writings for the perpetrators and victims of sexual sin.  Though not specifically Christian, Pat Carnes bases his hope on the Biblically inspired 12-step program.  Doug Weiss, Mark Laaser and Harry Schaumburg are Biblically oriented Christian psychologists who are themselves recovering from sex addiction.  They show how sexual infidelity and pornography are twisted perversions of our spiritual hunger […]

Below are four lies your addiction will keep trying to get you to believe.  They are discussed in several of Dr. Patrick Carnes’ books.  In order to train your brain to think differently, make your own copy of this document, and add after each one ideas that will counteract them.  Unbold the lie, and leave the healthy ideas in […]

DSB's:  Dysfunctional Sexual Behaviors may include:  masturbation, pornography, flirting, eyeballing, massage, cheating, chatting, phone sex, role exploitation, buying, selling and trading sex, pain exchange, 800 #s, anonymous (bathroom/park) sex, fetishes, voyeurism, exposing yourself, webcam exposures, and varieties of shutting down:  impotence, anorexia, avoidance of marital love & sex. Ten Addictive Signs:  impulse control, broken plans, can't quit, preoccupation (obsession), loss […]