A. Chronic, progressive, incurable, fatal disease that is characterized by loss of control over alcohol and other sedatives.
1. Chronic—you’ve had the problem for a little while.
2. Progressive-- Grows on you; gets worse; going to take more alcohol to get a good buzz.
3. Incurable-- Always going to have it; after years of recovery; even after you stop the temptation will always be there.
4. Fatal-- Does kill you; Kills you physically, mentally, and kills relationships.
B. Primary Disease – Alcohol becomes more important than anything else: you’ve got to stop this before you can cure anything else (depression, marriage, anxiety, etc.)
C. An allergy – alcoholics are allergic to alcohol. Its first effect is like it is to others, giving a little buzz, but when that wears off, they feel an uncomfortable feeling in every cell that gets blood, which is experienced as a "dis-ease" that calls for another drink.
A. Phase one (physical) – do things under the influence of alcohol that a person might regret; say things that might upset somebody else, or maybe become violent towards another person.
1. Blackouts – people aren’t aware that a person maybe blacked out; the person who was blacked out does not remember a thing
2. Sneak Drinking
3. Mentally preoccupied with booze
4. Gulping drinks
5. Looses temper under booze
6. Blaming booze for misconduct
B. Phase Two (middle phase) – builds up into serious problems
1. Make alibis for drinking
2. More remorse
3. Go on the wagon
4. Try to change the pattern of your drinking
5. Socializing more with heavy drinkers than normal people
6. Problems on the job
7. Problem’s in the person’s family life
8. Have a secret supply
9. Physical and psychological changes
C. Final phase
1. Start breaking moral rules (stealing, cheating etc . . .)
2. Logic distorts to where a person plans their whole life around drinking
3. Three ways out – Death, insanity, and recovery
A. Tolerance – more and more of the stuff to give you the same fix or buzz
B. Obsession – steals attention away from everyday things; think about it more and more, sometimes even when you’re trying to think about something else
C. Withdrawal pains – shakes, bad stress tolerance after the drink wears off, creating the desire for another drink
D. Lose will power – you break promises to yourself about your drinking
E. Tremendous Denial – you don’t connect problems to drinking that others do; ask the question: How would you know if you were an alcoholic?
F. Self defeating pattern of behavior under the influence
A. People
1. At AA meetings find a person who you thought sounded really good during the meeting and get their number.
2. Ask that person to be your temporary sponsor
3. Stick with the winners
4. Stick around after the meeting because maybe some people will get together afterwards to provide further support
B. Principles
1. The battle is to surrender the flesh to God
2. The flesh needs to be trained to understand that it does have cravings but also to understand the word no; it needs to learn to KNOW better than to have a drink, even when you WANT one.
3. The two main things to read are "The Big Book" (which tells how the Program works, and gives the stories of many who have recovered) And the "Twelve and Twelve" which explains the twelve steps for the alcoholic and 12 principles for groups and meetings
A. "The program" is working the steps under the direction of a sponsor, who has worked through the steps successfully himself.
B. What are the twelve steps?
1. Steps 1-3 are to help you realize how screwed up your life is on alcohol
2. Steps 4-5 are about taking a searching moral inventory of yourself
3. Steps 6-9 are about how to make amends to other people
4. Steps 10-12 are maintenance steps
A. Hero-- the child becomes an overachiever; perfectionist; carries the flag for the family.
B. Scapegoat – non-achievers; draw punishment to themselves to draw it away from the alcoholic.
C. Joker – "Whistle through the graveyard"; becomes very shallow; makes a joke out of everything.
D. Loner – Deeply unhappy; "lost children"; hide from everything
A. Anyone who lives lives for and through an addicted person
B. Loved ones who become addicted to alcoholics, who become addicted to trying to help them.
C. Co-dependents make it easier for the alcoholic to drink more and continue on a downward spiral.
1. Co-dependents lie to the alcoholic to make things better
2. Co-dependents make excuses for the alcoholic
3. They assume responsibility for fixing or reforming him
4. They need to learn they didn’t CAUSE it, can’t CURE it, and can’t CONTROL it (the alcoholism)
D. Like alcoholics, they can recover much better if they work a program of recovery too. Al-Anon is a fellowship just like AA, often with meetings at the same time and place, just down the hall.
O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you and I detest my sins because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell, but most of all because they offend you, my God, Who are all good and deserving of my love. I firmly resolve with the help of your grace to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life. Amen.
What caused my relapse (inner circle violation)?
What had I neglected from the program I was working (outer circle, preventive behaviors)?
For how long? Why?
What else should I have (and can now) put in that outer circle as recovery behaviors?
What slips had I ignored, not made amends for (middle circle)?
What else should I have (and can now) put in that middle circle as slips to report?
What old character defects I’ve inventoried before were at work here?
What new character defects can I discover in the ruins of this relapse?
What harm have I done?
Who have I hurt? (include God and yourself)
What I have I taken from them?
What have I dumped on them in return?
What amends do I need to make to all these people, to put back what I took, plus some to take away the harm I gave, and to teach myself a lesson, that it isn’t worth it to do these things?
What about working an intensive outpatient treatment program?
The “word of God” can also be found in Christian writings for the perpetrators and victims of sexual sin. Though not specifically Christian, Pat Carnes bases his hope on the Biblically inspired 12-step program. Doug Weiss, Mark Laaser and Harry Schaumburg are Biblically oriented Christian psychologists who are themselves recovering from sex addiction. They show how sexual infidelity and pornography are twisted perversions of our spiritual hunger for God. Help Online:
www.sexhelp.com - Great source of information, research, and on-line tests to learn about yourself and find qualified counselors to help
www.faithfulandtrueministries.com - Dr. Mark Laaser's website
www.sexaddict.com - Dr. Doug Weiss’ resources
www.christians-in-recovery.com - Great website
www.sa.org - Domain for Sexaholics Anonymous, the more biblical of the 12-step programs
www.sexaa.org - Domain for Sex Addicts Anonymous, the more liberal of the 12-step programs
References:
Laaser, Mark (1996) Faithful and True. Nashville : Lifeway, an excellent workbook, plus original book by Zondervan,
Schaumburg , Harry (1992) False Intimacy. Colorado Springs : NavPress.
Below are four lies your addiction will keep trying to get you to believe. They are discussed in several of Dr. Patrick Carnes’ books. In order to train your brain to think differently, make your own copy of this document, and add after each one ideas that will counteract them. Unbold the lie, and leave the healthy ideas in bold face. For each healthy idea, cite your source (authority). Carry a copy of this with you as a tool in your fire drill kit. And as you discover other lies your addiction tells you in your head, write them down as well, beginning with #5, and record the healthy ideas that correct these lies. Keep sharpening this knife to cut thru the crap you will no doubt keep hearing in your head for awhile. The more you use this tool, the less you will hear the lies.
DSB's: Dysfunctional Sexual Behaviors may include: masturbation, pornography, flirting, eyeballing, massage, cheating, chatting, phone sex, role exploitation, buying, selling and trading sex, pain exchange, 800 #s, anonymous (bathroom/park) sex, fetishes, voyeurism, exposing yourself, webcam exposures, and varieties of shutting down: impotence, anorexia, avoidance of marital love & sex.
Ten Addictive Signs: impulse control, broken plans, can't quit, preoccupation (obsession), loss of needed time/money, irresponsibility, social fallout, social dropout, behavioral escalation (tolerance), withdrawal symptoms (mood changes). 3 of these 10 and it's an official addiction.
Cyberporn seems Accessible (but so are you to it!), Affordable (it is at first, but not for long!), and Anonymous (sure at first, but hey, not for long!). It is also Always changing (it hypnotizes your attention), Aggressively seeking your loyalty (it wants your business, to sell your information to others), Adaptable (it remembers your past behavior, your arousal pattern, and throws up things personally designed to ramp up your involvement), and Always Accepting (it seems to never reject you, but it rejects the rest of who you are, your faith, family, finances, freedom, health, etc.). This 7-headed monster will eat you alive if you let it.
Use the right terminology: lover = hater, affair = trap, porn = poison, (masturbation) = idolatry, fantasy = adultery, "I didn't mean/enjoy it" = minimizing, "I can control it" = denial, ""I wanted to because" = blame-shifting.
Addictions are fueled by (and produce!) trauma/fear, shame, aversions, , and enablers, so learn to break those cycles. These are both triggers and bullets.
Bondage will in slow, creepy, one-at-a-time-so-you-don't-really-notice speed also consume your: mind, freedom, dignity (heart), wife, kids, career, faith, health, and then your life.
Bondage will take from your wife: her trust in you, respect for you, feeling safe with you, desire for you, mental focus during sex, resistance to reading your mind and taking your inventory, ability to relax, body image, confidence in her future, and all the fruits of the spirit: faith, hope, love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, kindness, goodness, self-control.
Recovery/Repentance involves: people and principles, prayer and Bible study, meetings, readings, sponsors, accountability partners, phone calls, working the steps: admitting powerlessness and unmanageability, surrendering to God, taking inventory, giving character defects to God, making amends, admitting when we're wrong, prayer, service work, decompartmentalizing.
Recovery/Repentance brings: restoring the free-flowing of all things consumed above, and what we are all made to crave above all else in this life: intimacy with God, spouse, self, children and buddies in recovery. You doubt me? What good is anything else without these, without loved ones to share it with? How deep could your joy be, and how long could it last if you don't give it away?
The hallmarks of addiction are: failed efforts to control or stop the addiction, withdrawal pains, obsessive thoughts about the habit, increasing consumption, continued addictive behavior despite huge costs/problems from doing so, and self-deception about the causes and effects of the addictive behavior.
A very common cause and effect of addictions are their polar opposites: compulsive habits of avoidance (aversions, or “anorexias”). The causes and effects of these aversive disorders are remarkably similar to those for addictions: both addicts and anorexics were often abused, neglected, or traumatized in their youth; exposed to addictions and enabling co-addicts in their families; and raised in homes that had way too much discipline or affection, or way too little.
For sex addicts, the best course of treatment is very structured and homework-intensive, so it has a time frame built into it. It is multi-dimensional, involving 12-step recovery, individual and ideally group counseling, a regimen of physical health, your family (if they will participate), and for Christians, prayer, church and Bible study. It reflects a structure of 30 tasks that is now emerging from research as the model standard for all addiction treatment programs.
I used to include a time line in this outline, but that was designed for hard core addicts who needed an intensive outpatient alternative for residential treatment. The amount of time to work through these phases, and the number of tasks that will need to be written out vs. discussed, will depend on the severity of your problem, and that really can't be known until the end of the second phase of treatment when you're out of denial.
Sexual addiction is not a black and white concept, as if you're either addicted or you're not. It's more like as infectious disease, and regarding the lust virus, you need to ask yourself, "How bad a case do I have? How much of my system is infected? How much damage has it done to my mind, heart, calendar, budget, career, faith, self-esteem, marriage?" The more extensive the damage, the more extensive the treatment and recovery you'll need to get free of its grip.
The stages of treatment outlined above are very useful, in that they come in a logical order. Though you are working on all the issues to some extent all the time, it is best to keep your primary focus on one aspect of recovery at a time. The later phases require building on the foundation of the earlier.
Note that many addicts want to put the last phase first, the fix their marriage and family life, and then establish victory over their bad habits. This effectively would make the spouse a substitute addiction, and it wouldn't work for either of you. Full restoration of maritalintimacy can only come in the final stage of treatment.
Because addicts are usually (1) pretty unhappy with their lives due to their addiction, (2) quite injured and misled from their childhood experiences, (3) damaged from trauma, (4) addicted to more than one type of substance or behavior, (5) suffering from losses that haven’t been grieved, and (6) unaware of the existence or relevance of these five things, addicts can’t effectively plan their own treatment. So this course doesn’t have many optional features. It works if you work it, and you’re either on board or you’re not. But rest assured that my goal is to phase regular sessions with me out of your life, and turn you over to the guidance, support and accountability of fellow believers and recovering 12-steppers.
Addicts are much like the prodigal son, codependents are much like the elder brother, and recovery is much like the father who comes running with open arms. I am like a fellow traveler who has walked the road of recovery himself, and I am here to lead you to a new home life that is better than you could have ever imagined.
Forward Movement Publications in Cincinnati published a pamphlet I was asked to write explaining sexual addiction to the average Christian reader. You may find the contents of the pamphlet below:
By Dr. Paul Schmidt
Of all the experiences we 21st century Americans crave, of all the images we see that motivate us to buy, the biggest idol we worship today is romantic intimacy. We long for a lively, creative, safe, sensual, affectionate, utterly enjoyable connection with the one we love.
Oh sure, we have other major longings—health, wealth, youth, beauty, closeness with nature, peace of mind, and healthy family bonds. We know much more about how to get and keep these than we do about romantic intimacy.
So why don’t more people find this intimacy as it was made to be? Well on the road to Shangri La, we get hijacked. Most of us have turned aside and run aground, settling for things much easier to obtain, things that are more gratifying in the short run. We give up our integrity for intensity. So we lie marinating in the juicy, perverted, counterfeit versions of romance we get from Hollywood, Madison Avenue, and that modern marvelous mainstream sewer, the Internet. No wonder there’s so much sexual sickness today. What constitutes sex addiction, and how common is it?
In 2004, America spent more money on pornography than on the NBA, NFL, and Major League Baseball combined, more than NBC, CBS, and ABC earned as an industry. Addiction to pornography over the Internet is by far the fastest growing addiction in the world, and women, children and geriatrics are the fastest growing groups of cyber-addicts. Our best estimates are that 6% of Americans are sex addicts, and the prevalence is slightly higher in Christian circles. So if your family has 20 folks over for Christmas dinner, odds are there’s a sex addict in the house.
What forms does an addiction take, and what is its course? Each addict usually has 1-3 out-of-control habits with sex. These habits usually include traditional sexual deviations, but viewing pornography and marital infidelities (affairs or one-night stands) can also become addictions. When loved ones discover the problem, they usually take on a reformer’s zeal, sexual anorexia, or both, any one of which just provokes the addict into rationalizing more severe and more cleverly hidden sexual misconduct.
For those who do not recover, symptoms progress. It takes more and more stimulation to give them the same satisfaction, so their abominations grow like mildew in the dark. They generally go through their relationships and die a rather miserable, lonely death, financially and spiritually bankrupt.
When does sex become an addiction? When sexual behavior works against intimacy in a monogamous relationship, or against personal integrity for a single person who’s not in love, it can be called “Dysfunctional Sexual Behavior” (DSB). Experts agree that you have an addiction when your DSB shows three or more of the following ten signs (hallmarks for any addiction):
impulse control (recurrent failure to resist DSB impulses),
broken plans (frequency/duration of DSB keeps exceeding what’s planned),
can’t quit (persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to stop for good),
time loss (DSB takes up excessive amounts of time),
preoccupation (thoughts of DSB keep intruding),
irresponsibility (DSB occurs during times committed to obligations or responsibilities),
social fallout (recurrent negative consequences of DSB in work and/or family life),
social dropout (skipping social, occupational, or recreational activities for DSB),
behavioral escalation (it takes more cost and/or risk to get the same emotional relief), and
withdrawal symptoms (irritation, tension, or despair when unable to act out the DSB).
Cyberporn has become epidemic in our culture because it seems to be accessible, affordable (at first), and anonymous (but it never is). Internet service providers know who uses porn, and employers can track their computers. Porn sites buy and sell links and email addresses for big money, and infect users’ computers with pop-ups.
Organized crime is behind most of the porn traffic, and all the bigger hosts know exactly which pictures you watch the longest, what sequences made you get out your credit card before, and how to present similar but new things the next time you get on line. So there is a constantly updated, personalized temptation waiting for the sex addict every time he goes online. Satan has done himself right proud here.
Is this experience addictive? Besides being a gateway drug that fuels escalation and triggers new forms of sexual acts and crimes, cyberporn is highly addictive itself, and has rightly been called the crack cocaine of sexual experiences. Since these and other sexual experiences produce massive amounts of dopamine in the brain, it’s been said that sex addicts carry their drugs with them.
In classical conditioning demonstrated by Pavlov, the sound of a bell becomes a turn-on when it is paired repeatedly with the pleasure of eating. Likewise, and Americans are tragically unaware of this, whatever is presented the first few times with sexual arousal and orgasm becomes a turn-on. That explains how various things one would think would be turn-offs, if experienced by sex addicts while they were messed with in their youth, perpetually produce the effect of throwing gasoline onto a lust bonfire. For example:
Addictions are fueled by Trauma. When people are raped, incested, or sexually abused, they are usually attracted to repeat the traumatic situation, in a futile and subconscious effort to make it turn out differently, and too often to pursue sexual release they can’t find any other way.
Addictions are fueled by Shame. Though addicts believe shame will help prevent acting out sexually, it’s actually a huge trigger. Recovery requires addicts to break the shame cycle.
Addictions are fueled by Other Addictions. Sex addicts are usually addicted to something else too: alcohol or other drugs (42%), eating disorder (38%), workaholism (28%), compulsive spending (26%), or compulsive gambling (5%).
Addictions are fueled by Aversions. Sexual anorexia (extreme disgust and avoidance) often co-exists with addictions in addicts (binge-purge cycle) and their significant others. All aversions help trigger, maintain, and rationalize the addiction.
Addictions are fueled by Enablers. Some partners and loved ones believe they might have caused the addiction, or perhaps could learn how to control or cure it. This actually takes responsibility for addiction and recovery away from the addict. The co-addict “enables” the bad habit by robbing the addict of the guidance and motivation for change that can only come with pain, which can only come when the co-addict lets go (like God lets go of sinners in bondage, see Romans 1).
The family members of sex addicts are caught in a vicious cycle. The three cases illustrations from the start of this article had problematic marriages even before detection by the spouse, but even moreso afterwards. The sex-addicted partner is motivated by a wicked concoction of lust combined with shame and/or self-pitying resentment. The addict is convinced that the spouse is undersexed, and detection only makes that situation worse.
The good news about sex addiction for the addict’s loved ones is that they didn’t cause it, they can’t control it, and they can’t cure it. The last two may not sound like good news, but only this truth can set them free to live their own lives better, within the marriage/relationship. The bad news is that they are sick too, in that they have usually become addicted to the addict. Codependency is simply caring about the feelings and needs of another person to the neglect of your own. Jesus’ second commandment is that we love our neighbor as ourselves, not instead of ourselves, or as a priority over ourselves.
God does not leave us to travel this earth alone. As we recover from sin, we all need to replace our primary identity from our blood family with a new primary identification with our family of faith, just as Jesus did (Matt. 12: 46-50). Another way to say this is that both addict and co-addict are called to give up their bondages (to sex and to each other) by becoming bondservants of our Lord.
So the road to recovery ideally involves church, counseling, and the 12-step community. You can think of recovery as people and principles—it takes both. Like church, you can’t succeed treating your 12-step group as just a social club, and like the Bible, you can’t successfully apply 12-step principles by studying them alone. Recovery usually takes 3-5 years, and that’s if addicts use 12-step groups, plus individual and group therapy.
Beginning addicts and those without healthy religion or marriages need extra help getting over shame. They will benefit from Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), which don't consider any private behavior harmful, including premarital relationship sex, masturbation, or adding to either of these some internet porn.
For more happily married, and more actively Christian addicts, and those less vulnerable to shame, Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) considers a spouse the only acceptable sexual outlet. In the battle against lust (which SAA and SLAA don't recognize as such), this creates a "hedge around the law" for safety against sin. SA is more consistent with Christian tradition that sex outside marriage is wrong, and with Jesus' common sense teaching in Matthew 5: 27-28 that mentally rehearsing a sexual act makes it more likely to happen.
It helps greatly if both the addict and his/her partner will work a 12-step program together. For these folks, there is Recovering Couples Anonymous, www.recovering-couples.org.
Do addicts and co-addicts have to use a 12-step program? Research says that if they want to recover, the people and principles of recovery are absolutely essential. Individual counseling comes in a close second. Also vital is confessing thoughts, feelings, memories and behaviors to others in recovery: indeed “we are as sick as our secrets.” To learn more, the addict can visit sexhelp.com, sash.net, or sa.org. Co-addicts can find help at sarr.org and sanon.org.
The bad news from research is that apparently less than 10% of addicts have found recovery, and that like alcoholism and other addictions, sex addiction is a progressive, fatal disease that will ruin every aspect of the addict’s life. The good news is that research has identified thirty tasks addicts can do that will virtually assure their recovery (see www.sexhelp.com). Studies show that over 90% of those who complete even the first 19 of these tasks were still in recovery without slipping back into addictive behaviors five years later. And the best news of all: like recovering from other addictions, God is at the heart of it, and recovery transforms every aspect of life into better-than-ever faith, hope, love, joy, and peace.
Indeed, even when both parties devote themselves to God as embodied in church, trained counseling, and 12-step recovery groups, honestly the marriage is never ever the same. But the good news is that these admittedly few marriages that do recover are really wonderful, very exciting, quite fulfilling. They are actively involved helping others come through the turbulent white waters of sex addiction and co-addiction. These folks are mighty warriors in the kingdom, and they are wildly happy with each other. That is good news indeed. Praise be to God.