I couldn’t resist this shameless cheese-tart title. I’m just hoping you won’t have to buy your Maxim or Cosmo this month. If they printed this, they’d lose readers. Because our focus here will be on the primary sex organ, the brain, I won’t need to mention any body parts or sexual acts.
I am going to give you a technique though, one move that should heat up your bedroom better than anything you’ve ever done. I didn’t figure it out until I was in my early thirties, from trial-and-error learning. I’ve come to call it pre-validated tenderness.
Ten years later I heard another term for it in a seminar out in San Francisco given by the man many consider America’s leading sex expert, psychologist Dr. David Schnarch. He calls this approach "self-validated intimacy", and he rightly warns this is not for rookies.
You have to bring two things with you into the bedroom: self-awareness and self-esteem. You need to know who you are without your mate, and you need to like who you are. That’s the self-validated feature: you have to punch your own "I’m OK" ticket before you come to your mate. You can’t go in feeling insecure or needy and expect your mate to fix that.
You need to come to love with your desires already stirred up, by nothing more than thinking about what the two of you might do and feel together. You bring in your own bucket of nice warm passion. If you’re asking your mate to make you feel OK about yourself physically and romantically, you need to fix the hole in your bucket.
You have to pour in your own desire before contact, and concentrate on the full part of your passion bucket as you approach. Don’t focus on your mate’s bucket either, hoping he or she will come on to you like some star in a romance novel or porn movie. You’re taking all the initiative here.
This means you have to build and maintain a good body image, to feel good about seeing yourself in the mirror stepping out of the shower. Eating, exercising, and evaluating your body in healthy ways beforehand is the "attitude foreplay" contributed by the mighty sex organ between your ears.
It takes some considerable faith to feel and believe that you are not a consuming connoisseur of beauty, passion and love, but rather a confident carrier. It helps to see your body as belonging as much to your maker and your mate as to yourself. That faith is both a gift from God, and your gift to God.
Let’s assume now that you are feeling good about yourself and are confidently carrying your desires to give (not receive) affection to your mate. You have another mental preparation to make before expressing yourself. You can’t be concerned about the outcome. It can’t matter how far you go, or whether your mate even agrees to get started.
It’s got to be rewarding enough for you just to express yourself and offer your gift of "I’m full of good stuff and so are you", regardless of whether it’s received, reciprocated or rejected. You’re determined and set to feel better about yourself no matter what. You suited up, showed up, and even if you get shot down, you will shore up your self-esteem and shine up your outlook.
It’s win-win. Even if the mate doesn’t love him- or herself enough to receive and return your gift, you hold your head high. You’re taking the high road in, and you’ll take the high road out. Anything you receive in return of course makes it a big win for you both, but remember it’s just gravy. You bring the meat, and by appreciating yourself and your mate, you eat good every time.
So these may not be your actual words, but the attitude needs to be: "Hey, check me out. I’m wanting to give you some sweet lovin’, right now, or later, whatever. How about it?" And worst case rejection scenario is you walk away with this look and attitude: "I’m sorry you feel that way. It’s your loss, Baby, because I’m enjoying my desires. I’m still loving us both, so I’m good."
Are you wanting to give this article to your mate? Defeats the purpose. Cut it out, put it away, and wait until he or she asks, "What’s got into you? I like it!" One more benefit to you: do it consistently, and it’s a sure-fire way to pull yourself out of a boring love life. I guarantee that soon enough your mate will play you or trade you. Either way, trust me, you’ll be better off.
Dr. Paul Schmidt is a psychologist life coach you can reach at [email protected], (502) 633-2860.