Healthy Visits with your Aging Parents

Sandwich Generation Takes Care of Aging Parents

            Reader:   I dread visiting my mom in the nursing home, and yet if I don’t, I feel horrible guilt.  I’m damned by her criticism and complaints if I do visit her, and damned by my own if I don’t.  

            Dr. Schmidt:  You are indeed between a rock and a hard place here, and caught also between meeting the needs of your mom above and your children and grandchildren below.  You’re the cheese and meat in the sandwich - everybody wants to take a bite out of your calendar.  Here’s three rules of thumb to keep from being eaten up by all this.

            1.  Avoid the emotional standards and extremes of going only when you feel like it, and whenever you feel guilt.  Let your mind, conscience, and family help you set a reasonable standard, and go when it’s time.  Set an average standard for how often you should visit, and how long you should stay.  Live by your faith, not your feelings.

            2.  Balance the needs of your parent with those of your children, marriage, career, and yes, yourself.  Don’t forget to take care of the caretaker.  If your elder won’t compliment or appreciate you, do it yourself, out loud, in front of them.  Let your elder know you must attend to other responsibilities.

            3.  Give priority to heart needs over ego needs.  Heart needs are things like this:  to know and be known, and to give and receive love and respect (empathy, encouragement, compliments, practical help, faith that we can learn and grow).  Give these things for the joy of doing it, expecting nothing in return.  The more we give like this, the more somehow we have, and the more our elder will enjoy life.

            Our parents’ ego needs are a lot like our own, things like looking good in others’ eyes, blaming our troubles on others, downloading distress (misery loves company), staying self-centered (dwelling on our aches and pains), manipulating others to serve us, and avoiding the pain of our owning our guilt, boredom, loneliness, and helplessness.  The more we talk about these things with our elders, the more they will want us to.  We are pouring ourselves down a drain, and taking our parents with us.

One last suggestion is not for everyone.  It would be helpful when there is a truly toxic parent, or if you are wise and confident enough to set and protect healthy boundaries for yourself.  I know an adult daughter who said this to her mother:  

“Mom, it seems like all you want to talk about is yourself, and just your complaints at that.  I’m going to give you five minutes to tell me everything that’s getting you down, and I will sympathize, or if I can, help.  After that, will hear only about your gratitudes, and your curiosities about what’s going on outside this place, in my life, and with our friends and family. 

“I will have 15 or 20 minutes to broaden your world, and brighten your outlook.  But if you can’t handle that, and you interrupt me with negatives, I am holding up my finger once to give you one warning when you criticize or complain. After that I am saying goodbye, and you will lose the rest of our time together that could have been positive.  It’s OK with me either way.  I will follow your lead, and I’ll give you what your behavior says you want.”  She said her mother called her bluff a couple of times, but after those shortened visits, she changed her ways pretty quick.