About Disclosure, Impact Survey, and Restitution

Full Written Disclosure

The first section here is the outline about how to make your written disclosure, with your wife’s counselor present for her.  Your disclosure includes your behavior only, not your thoughts and feelings, not the behavior of others, not why you did it, just a thorough inclusive report of what you did and failed to do.  Include all sexual memories and activities, all broken promises to women, all lies to cover up and avoid the pain of honesty.  Leave out sentences or clauses where other people are the subject of the sentence – use I statements instead.  Give details of frequency, duration, and time frames, not explicit sexual details, or locations (unless it is your home, work, or places you frequent in your marriage).  Avoid statements that minimize, excuse, or blame-shift.  Mention only the identities your wife asks to know, and anyone your wife has met.

Given your situation, with the biggest factor being which way your wife prefers it, you can choose any of three different ways to organize your disclosure. You can separate your confession into different time periods, different relationships, or different activities.

If you are having trouble appreciating your wife’s words and emotions, remember these things:

• This meeting is to restore trust, heal wounds, put the past in the past, and reach closure on the disclosure.  No more need for interrogation, no fear of another shoe falling, another disclosure or discovery.
• Her oneness and connection with you are at the very core of who she is.  She feels that you have ripped that loving attachment out of her heart, and left her with an attachment to a stranger who lies and cheats on her.
• Since you might think of other women during any sexual moment, you’ve put them into her head too.
• This is a first-class trauma, very much like soldiers experience in war, leaving her with painful memories, schrapnel with surging pain from flashbacks so strong she is unable to be fully present in the here and now.
• She hates these symptoms, and she hates thinking that you have made her crazy.   But she isn’t crazy. These are normal responses to protect her injury like a cast or quarantine might, and give her time to heal.
• She doubts and hates herself for loving and trusting you, which you keep inviting her to do before it’s time.
• You made her feel crazier when you challenged her motives, memory, loyalty, and sanity (“gaslighting”).
• She hates the injustice of you getting extra pleasures that have caused her extra pain, which continues when you get a therapist/sponsor/group for yourself before supporting/budgeting her getting help first. 
• When you’d rather figure her out or fix her than hear and empathize with her, you put salt on her wounds.
• It’s like you both trusted you to drive a car you crashed with her in it, leaving her with a painful broken back and hip, and when she winces in pain, you ask her, “What’s wrong with you?   Why are you hurting?”
• This crash injured you too, but don’t expect her to be your painkiller, or do your physical therapy for you.
• Hearing your disclosure will rip off her scab, and feel like re-breaking a bone in order to set it right.
• Because it is often needed after disclosure, her therapist, and yours will ask you to find another place for you to stay the next couple of days and nights.  If you want to seek closeness now, you will lose it. 
• This time apart is a good time for you to start getting ready for the next session, where she tells you how all this has impacted her.  You will find below an outline of the kinds of damage you have done to her, and you can begin to put numbers down to show you have considered how much harm you have done her.

Grace and truth are both contagious, and they need each other.  Our communications in marriage should show (and thus inspire) love, respect, and understanding toward BOTH spouse and self:  love your neighbor as yourself.  Disclosing sexual betrayal and sin goes better when both spouses first read this article, and focus on their own behavior, beliefs, motives, emotions, and tone, not their partner’s. 

The Addict will find it hard to accept, but “staggered disclosure” (repeatedly saying that he is disclosing everything, only to find himself doing the same thing again and again) does more harm to the Spouse and to the Addict than simply saying, “I am not ready to be fully honest yet.  I need a week or two to get ready.”  The Spouse will find it hard to accept that early in recovery, neither of them will know for sure how complete the disclosure is.  The Addict may not know enough to disclose everything yet, because suppressed memories may not have all surfaced yet.  His emotional coping skills may not yet be able to handle the shame and fear of full awareness, and so he may be repressing memories from himself without knowing it.

The first nine of the 12 steps, and the corresponding first 19 of the 31 tasks, usually takes the Addict about 18 months to complete.  Until the Addict completes step nine, he should be considered somewhat suspect – neither faithful nor unfaithful, neither honest nor dishonest, just suspect.  No matter how much checking or investigating his Spouse does before this, and no matter how much the Addict does or doesn’t disclose, the Spouse will and should naturally distrust the Addict to some extent.  Both should avoid the illusion of control, and embrace how powerless they are over themselves and each other.  This requires both Addict and Spouse to live one day at a time, not trusting themselves or each other, leaning only on God who works through the people, principles, practices, and prayers of recovery.

Remember these important facts and considerations about disclosure:

• “Staggered disclosure” (coming in waves over time) hurts more than doing it all at once.
• Spouses need general information more than specific details, except when it affects their life (risk of disease, children are affected, affair is with Spouse’s friend or relative, etc.)
• Forcing disclosure before Addict and Spouse are ready hurts the recovery of both
• Addict does better at disclosure if he goes through it first with counselor and/or sponsor
• Disclosure goes better when both parties already understand addiction, sexual addiction, shame cycles, and the dynamics of codependent enabling
• Addict does well to beat his Spouse to the punch of disciplining himself, and to the work of protecting his Spouse and family
• Addict’s trauma history (“I was molested…”) is given briefly without blaming the abuser for the Addict’s behavior.  A good way to relate his  history to his behavior is to describe the abuse briefly, say what feeings and beliefs it left him with, and how he coped with those.  ‘Not knowing fully the damage I was doing, or any better ways to receive comfort, I . . . .”
• Spouse has experienced both loss and trauma.  She will need to avail herself of the time and resources which may be required to work through the stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining with God, Depression, and Acceptance) and to the stages of recovery from trauma (Numbness, Return of feelings, Constructive action, Restored confidence).

Consider the high cost of not disclosing.  Without full confession by the Addict, mistrust and disrespect go back and forth like a ping-pong ball, and the Spouse feels horrible either way. When she distrusts the Addict but he is still covering up, he treats her badly.  When the Spouse trusts the Addict, she immediately and inevitably disrespects herself, because someone has to be at fault for her pain.  Trusting the addict too soon often leaves the Spouse feeling like a nag, a fool, a stooge, a clown, a crazy person, or “the subject of every bad country song.”

Consider the high cost of delayed disclosure.  The sooner a full written confession can be made to the Spouse, within reason, the easier it is on everybody.  The best target date is usually about 30 days after any discovery/confession that precipitates a major marital crisis.  If the Addict wasn’t in counseling and has trouble finding or trusting a CSAT counselor, if he is trying his best to do so, it may be better to take a little more time to get it done, like another month.  Between 30 and 60 days, it becomes more difficult to do peacefully.  Passivity allows the Partner to believe her own growing imagination about what the Addict may have done.  It also erodes the good faith that the Addict is making his recovery and his marriage his top two priorities, which they need to be.  90 days is considered usually the outside limit before something major is likely to have broken down, and after that, there isn’t nearly as much good will to build upon, in either the Addict or the Spouse.  90 days is also the traditional period of abstinence from sexual intimacy and orgasm with each other or with oneself which many couples need at this time, so both Partners are wanting to get the disclosure behind them so the healing can begin. 

Consider the benefits to the Addict of timely, planned, structured, and supervised disclosure:

• learning more about the causes and effects of his behavior, that it wasn’t worth it 
• lowering his denial of and bondage to his character defects, and his addiction
• lowering his shame and raising his self-esteem (when he earns trust, makes amends)
• having taken a step backward with his slip/relapse, he takes two forward (inventory 

and amends), instead of two more backward (covering up and avoiding dialogue)

• talking out his feelings so he doesn’t deny them, hold them in, act them out, or suffer alone
• getting closer to God from doing something he can’t do without God’s help
• experiencing his Spouse enjoying the benefits below

Consider the benefits to the Spouse of timely, planned, structured, and supervised disclosure:

• experiencing the Addict positively as he enjoys the benefits above, and serves as a positive role model for recovery
• escaping the toxic roles of being the nag, crazy person, private eye, cop, judge, and jailer
• escaping her preoccupation with imagined betrayals (her fear of more landmines)
• talking out her feelings so she doesn’t hold them in or act them out
• setting new boundaries no longer based on his unclear behavior there and then, but now on her clear experiences now and later on (“If I learn you’ve done this, and didn’t tell me in 24 hours, I will…”
• reducing the sense that she is suffering alone
• being treated as a significant, respectable, trustworthy adult, not as a child or irresponsible person who can’t handle the truth
• receiving a permissible vocabulary for describing and discussing the behaviors and character defects of the Addict

       Process/Procedures for a Constructive Disclosure

 These procedures are not all appropriate for all cases.  These are given as a menu of options from which the Addict may want to choose.  They are not intended as a list of recommendations for every case, or as things that an aggrieved Spouse would always be appropriate to demand.

The Addict needs to bring a fully written statement of what he is going to present, and to help everyone stay on task, a copy for each person who is there.  A counseling professional needs to be present, to moderate the meeting, to support the Spouse primarily, and to correct either partner from communication that isn’t constructive.  (The Addict may also need to have his own sponsor or supportive guide present, if the Spouse agrees with the choice.)  For example, both spouses need to be guided to avoid harsh criticism (attacking partner’s character or motives), sarcastic mockery (either verbal or nonverbal), stonewalling (shutting down), and defensiveness (playing the victim, whining, yes-butting, killing the messenger, etc.) – these are what research has proven to be the four most maritally toxic forms of communication [Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse].  The moderating professional also needs to keep the conversation on task, and blessed with grace and truth.

  The moderator may coach the Spouse in using what has been called the Shield of SAFEty: 

1.   Support and Soothe yourself

2.   Affirm your Assets and Alliances

3.   Focus on Future hopes and recovery goals

4.   Engage Encouraging friends and family

                               An Outline for Your Full Disclosure

         Your wife needs to have her needs and wishes considered and honored when she is hearing you read to her a full written disclosure of your infidelities and sexual misconduct.  Generally she needs:

1.  To have a knowledgeable professional present to ensure that her own needs and the marriage’s needs are being met.

2.  To be told nothing but the truth without excuses (“it was because…”) or minimalizing (“it was just/only…”).

3.  An outline of every unfaithful relationship or contact you have engaged in, and every type of misbehavior in each one.  For example, sexual behaviors would include full sexual infidelity, nongenital romantic touch, sending pictures, webcamming, romantic texting/calling, emotional intimacy/infidelity, prostitutes/call girls, strip clubs, massage parlors, love affairs, one-time encounters, pornography, and masturbation (list what types of scenarios were used to arouse/stimulate yourself).  Other addictive/disloyal behaviors past or potential would include any other addictions, including those to drugs/alcohol, other substances, activitities (sex, work, gambling, video games, etc.), and to people, including me or our friends or family members.  Include any other covered up behavior (e.g., financial losses or infidelity).

4.  A time frame for each relationship or behavior listed above (when it started, and when it stopped), its

            frequency/duration (e.g., “averaged 45 minutes per episode, averaged four times a week”),

and its financial cost, including lost wages from neglected work.

5.  Your sexual history, how you came to learn about your body, women's bodies, sex and love, shame

and secrecy, and how your desires came to be twisted.  Explain the process of your healing from

all that has twisted your desires, both healing you have experienced, and what is yet to come.

6.  All the truth and the details she can gracefully handle, in her counselor’s view.  The details that are considered necessary for her and your marriage that will not be withheld should include all details about:

            1-  what you know that friends and family members are aware of

            2-  what the children and grandchildren have been exposed to

            3-  which other people were involved in these infidelities, and which were married

            4-  if any of these persons still have relationships or contacts of any kind with either of you

            5-  if you may have exposed her to any sexually transmitted diseases

            6-  anything that occurred in the home, or in the business, or in any home, church or business that either of you may ever be in again

            7-  the rough amounts of time and money spent/lost on the addiction/infidelities/affair partners

            8-  if and when any pregnancies resulted from the infidelities:  how they turned out, how man resulted in births or abortions or miscarriages, and how many living children were born

            9-  all the emotions you felt toward those involved, how much these feelings were expressed, and what feelings the other person expressed toward both of you

10-  information either true and false that was given about your wife or the marriage

11-  how you now regard each activity or relationship

12-  how each unfaithful relationship was ended: 

the mode (phone, letter, text, email, face-to-face, etc.), 

what record/confirmation was or wasn’t kept for this agreement,

the reasons given for breaking up,

under what conditions if any the relationship might ever resume,

the types of contact that would or wouldn’t still be allowed, and

the consequences promised for any forbidden contacts initiated by anyone.

7.  No damaging, harmful details.  The details that are not healthy for any spouse and marriage that will be withheld should include details about:

            1-  details of fantasies (general types of fantasies and general content should be disclosed)

            2-  physical qualities of others involved:  their height, race, hair color, age (unless they were under 18),  size of their attractive body parts, body type (“slender,  fat, will-tone, athletic,” etc.), or any information about how attractive the person was to the confessor

            3-  where all the activities took place unless it was a location in 3.6 above

8.  An option to hear certain details that might be hurtful to either omit or disclose.  For example, she needs to say in advance for each of the following if she wants to be told ALL, NONE, MOST, or A FEW of the following details (best to ask her to write one of these in each blank below):

            ________   contact information for the other people involved and/or their spouses

            ________   contact information for any children born of infidelities

            ________   what promises were made to other people involved

            ­________   how much feelings have lingered toward other people involved

            ________   (list any other information you specifically do or do not want in this disclosure)

Any disagreements about what would be helpful or harmful should be settled by a counselor.

You need to be allowed to finish the entire confession before any question and answer dialogue occurs.  Likewise, once the confession is finished, she needs to be able to express all her feelings (no opinions or threats of future behavior will be allowed), and you will give her the same courtesy of letting her finish.  You will respond with only mirroring feedback that assures her that she has been heard, that her feelings have evoked similar sympathetic feelings in you, and that her feelings make sense to you (why she would feel that way).  Any decisions that need to be made about any changes in lifestyle should be done at another time and place, after a good night’s sleep.   

How and Why to Write your Husband an Impact Letter

         When your husband’s covered-up sexual addiction or infidelity has been disclosed or discovered, one of the most helpful things you can do for yourself is to write a letter to your husband to describe how all of this has affected you.  You have not only experienced his betrayal, but the distortions of reality from his cover-up, the collapse of your partnership, and changes in your lifestyle.  You may have even started betraying your own best interests and judgment, such as by poor hygiene or neglecting your supportive relationships.

         It will also help you to take 10 or 15 minutes to complete a little survey of the impact on you, which it is given on the next page.   Both taking the survey and writing the letter will help you make sense of your life.  If your husband ever wants to really understand what he has done to you, both the letter and the survey will help him to do so.  In fact, he should be encouraged by his counselor to listen to you so well that before he receives them from you he can fill out the survey and write the letter himself (what he thinks you will say).  This will help him get ready to receive this information, and show you how much he has been listening.

         The first version of your letter may come out as anger and vengeful criticism.  Don’t send this one to him, as it will likely sabotage your needs to feel heard, understood, and respected.  Your letter does not have to be a beautiful piece of writing.  Some people prefer to just make bullet points in outline form, and that will also work.  This letter and the survey will help you to get these things out of your head and heart onto paper, so that you do not keep ruminating about them, as most spouses are inclined to do.  Here is an outline of what wives usually find it helpful to say:

1.  Introduction:  why you are writing this, how you hope he will think and act as he listens, and your asking him if he is willing to listen quietly as you read this to him;

2.  The message:   the major particulars in the six types of effects of his behavior (see the survey that follows for a list of these effects); 

3.  The process:  a chronological account of your journey, showing how the major turning points usually produced progressively stronger and more unhealthy effects;

4.  Your needs:   for him to work steps 1 through 9 and do a final disclosure in my office; what accountability you want him to have with you and others, what contact you want with those other people, and how you want him to communicate with you;

5.  Your vision:  for yourself, him, and your relationship; include here also some affirmations for what he has done and is doing to recover; picture a renewed marriage;

6.  Closing:  your thankful appreciation for his having heard you out, and what you would like to hear now in response as you return the favor of hearing him out.

HOW TO WRITE YOUR LETTER OF

EMOTIONAL RESTITUTION TO YOUR WIFE/PARTNER

The best-trained counselors for wives/partners of sex addicts use techniques that research has proven most helpful in the recovery and healing process for both of you.  They teach women to expect a letter with eight “sections,” which I find a bit redundant and exhausting.  I’ve included those eight sections by numbers in the outline below.  I’ve made short summaries of the main content they expect you to include, so you might want to start a new paragraph for each number.  Some (like 3. and 4.) may take several paragraphs.  I have also organized them into three parts, showing the purpose of each one.  If some of this material seems redundant from what you wrote out with your full disclosure, go ahead and say it again. 

If you can’t remember any events or conversations for some of items in the numbered lists below, then I suggest you do a little research:  “I’m trying to cover everything that’s happened in our relationship that needs to be in my emotional restitution letter.  I can’t remember if I/you ever [….]  Do you remember any conversations or events like that, that I might have forgotten?”  If you can’t remember the things she does, even after you pray about it and try, don’t argue about whether it happened.  Just write in your letter that you apparently were successful in trying to forget about what she remembers. . . .

1. To clear up her CONFUSION about how you could have done these things

1.  Did you know how important fidelity is?  List the major moments you can recall when you promised her to be faithful, when she told you how badly it would hurt her if you          cheated (or what she’d do if you did), when you (bogusly) rationalized or excused your cheating or cover-up, and examples of when you provoked her rejection/criticism so you could rationalize your cheating and covering up as fair or natural (because you knew how bad it was to do).  

2.  How messed up were you when we started going together?  List the cheater-friendly beliefs and mindsets you had when you first started going together.  E.g., sex is love, it’s my most important need, I can’t wait for it, I can’t get enough, who needs to know?  List the fantasies you indulged and trained yourself to act out by masturbating to them.  List each type of unfaithful or sexual misbehavior you indulged in before you committed yourself to be true to her.

3.  How did you confuse me about what you were doing, and why?  Give examples of how you

• told her you wanted to do or be something, and then acted like you didn’t
• covered up and lied about your misdeeds
• confused and lied to yourself about what you were doing
• minimized to yourself the importance of fidelity
• justified and excused to yourself what you knew was wrong
• used drama and moodiness to avoid talking about things (e.g. how you faked exhaustion, discouragement, or being victimized by something to get her to feel sorry for you)
  

            B.  To help her work through her FEARS OF TRUSTING again, and her

            BLAME AND FORGIVENESS ISSUES, toward you, herself, and others.

            4.  Help her how to know when she can afford to trust again. 

• List the people you think she can count on to help her heal, and to help your relationship heal
• Tell her where she’s trusting you too much, where you don’t trust yourself as much as she does
• Explain how you’re going to limit and protect yourself better now in these situations
• Tell her things that you’ve set in place to minimize the chances for you to cheat on her again
• Tell her how she can find out what’s happening behind her back without having to check on you
• Explain exactly how you’ll report to her on your recovery regularly without her asking you to

            5.  Explain all the people you deceived, so they’d think too much of you, or too little of her.  Admit all the people you have charmed to get them on your side, or turn them against her.  Explain how you have corrected this problem, and how you will continue to help these people be loyal to you both, to the relationship, and help them know the truth.

            6.  Assure her that you understand and support what she has done to protect herself, and what she will need to keep doing.  Let her know you will respect her boundaries.

• Write out for her and yourself how you understand what healthy boundaries look like:  We all set boundaries for our own behavior, to assure that we will protect ourselves whenever other people don’t.   For example, “I can’t predict or control what you are going to do.  So if you [do that], I will [do this] to protect myself and our loved ones. On the other hand, if you do protect us and [do that other], I won’t need to [do this], so I will be glad to [do this other].” 
• Give her an example of when she has carried out healthy boundary setting in the past, and another example she has set for the future.  Assure her you will support these boundaries in the future.  (Examples might be boundaries about money, sex, where you sleep, and what others will be told.)
• Give an example of how now you’re setting healthier boundaries for yourself than you used to.

7.  Tell her you’re responsible for all your words and actions, past and present.  The choices

you both make cause feelings in your partner, but then each of you is responsible for dealing with your own feelings.  So she is not to blame for what you did, or what you did to the family.

• Validate for her how natural her painful feelings have been (fears, confusion, hate, guilt, shame, embarrassment, apathy, discouragement, sexual desire or lack of it, etc.).  You realize now that anyone would have had to deal with those feelings in response to your behavior.  
• If she’s said she feels bad that some of her choices and habits have made things harder on others in the family, you will not hold that against her, or throw that up to shame her in the future.

C.  To thank and appreciate her for hearing your letter here

            8.  Tell her you respect her strength and loyalty in being willing to go through all this counseling.  Assure her that she can ask you any questions she needs to clarify all this, and encourage her to use her support system for discussing this as needed.  Don’t share your hopes here for a future together, or sign your letter with “Love, John” or anything.  Just your name is more appropriate. 

            Finally, if you have not already done so, your recovery will be much stronger if you make a relapse prevention and repair plan.   And as a part of your emotional restitution, share of this plan in writing with your Spouse.  The next two pages, explain how and why to make this plan.

MAKING A RELAPSE  PREVENTION and REPAIR  PLAN

This reduces likelihood of relapse in the addict, and reduces worry and anxiety in the partner.

Establish order for your life with the 4-circle recovery plan.  This clearly defines what a relapse is.

Complete this plan:  to take two big steps forward (inventory and amends) if you step back (relapse).

Set up the relapse prevention of a fire drill kit.  [For how and why, see https://brainfood.libsyn.com/sex-addiction-using-a-fire-drill-kit.]   Once a monthschedule to tell Spouse how often you have practiced this, and show Spouse changes/updates/improvements you have made to keep it current.  Tell Spouse what is the most effective part of it this month.  And I will report to my Spouse:

1.  What caused my relapse (my inner red circle violation)?

            What recovery behaviors had I neglected from the program I was working (green circle)?

                        For how long?  Why?

                        What other preventive behaviors should I now put in that outer circle?

What old character defects or problem situations were at work here? (yellow circle)

                        What new character defects can I discover in the ruins of this relapse?

            What slips had I ignored, and not inventoried or made amends for (orange circle)?

                        What else should I now put in that circle as dangerous slips I’ll now report?

2.  What harm have I done? 

Who have I hurt?  (include God and yourself)

What good have I taken from them? 

What harm have I dumped on them in return?

3.  What amends do I need to make to all these people,

            To put back what I took, plus some?

            To take away the harm I gave?

            To teach myself a lesson, that it isn’t worth it to do these things?

            Do I need to consider an intensive outpatient treatment program,

or at least some individual and/or marital counseling?

A MENU OF POSSIBLE AMENDS

Emotional Amends

1.  If I get tempted or triggered into a slip (not a relapse), I will discuss it with my sponsor, accountability partner, or counselor, but not with my Spouse.

2.  Any future relapses I recall from the past or commit in the future will be disclosed in the presence of the counselor like we are doing now. 

3.   I will inform my Spouse within 24 hours of any relapse (best to tell my sponsor and therapist first).  I will inform her about any changes in my diagnosis, treatment plan, or my recovery plan (4 circles).

 4.   I will watch the kids two nights a week so Spouse can go to support groups.

Physical and Sexual Amends

1.   Modesty:  we will not shower, bathe, undress, or change clothes in front of each other.

2.   Ability to get to sleep:  We will not sleep in the same bed/room. 

3.   Birth control:  We will not have (unprotected) sex for this time period: _________

4.   Initiating sex:  I will neither solicit nor initiate any sexual touching, and will give whatever affection is clearly requested by my Spouse, without demonstrating any desire for more.

5.   Protecting health:  I will demonstrate my physical safety by submitting to tests for STD’s whenever my Spouse requests, and she will get the results at the same time I do.

Other Amends I might Offer

1.  I will involve my Spouse in deciding what gets shared with our children about my addiction, and have her beside me when this happens.

2.  I will protect all my electronic devices and our home from pornography and infidelity with filters and passwords that satisfy a third person. 

3.   I’ll respect the privacy of my Spouse at church, so I won’t be a distraction to her.

4.   Closing the door:  I will cut off all contact with anyone with whom I have cheated.

5.  I will allow my spouse to pick out new bedding I pay for (if I have cheated in our bed).

6.  Restore her financial security.  I will compensate my Spouse for what I’ve spent on my addiction.  Maybe put a vehicle in her name, transfer $_____ to her, or give her title to our house. 

7.  I will sign a post-nup, a legally binding agreement that will do similar things if there is ever another inner circle relapse (defined carefully to both our satisfaction).  In the spirit of Numbers 5: 6-7, I may offer to compensate her more than what I spent on my addiction.

8.  I will get whatever counseling is recommended by someone trained in this field, to learn more about my marriage, my family, my addiction, and my recovery.  My Spouse and my counselor will communicate regularly.  I’ll make an updated plan of my four circles.

9.  I will update our plan for exactly how I report to her about my recovery, and how much I share about these behaviors in my four circles.  This will take the place of unplanned, spontaneous interrogations that are not by mutual consent, which have injured us both in our marriage.