27 Transformation Tools:

A Free 50-page Handbook

of Wisdom and Guidance for

Spiritual Healing, Growth,

and Problem-Solving

Table of Contents

For each of our Nine Core Issues, here are:

A Devotional Guide with 20+ Annotated Scriptures,

A Life Lesson with Insights and Guidance from Psychology, and

A set of Parenting Tips for Raising Godly Children

Now scroll down to find your Issue:

1. Physical HEALTH:  Gluttony vs. Physical Fitness ~ Taking Care of the Body
2. PEACE:   Fear vs. Faith ~ Sheltering in Ultimate Power & Peace
3. LOVE:     Envy vs. Compassion ~ Balancing Love for Self and Others 
4. HONOR:     Selfish Pride vs. Humility ~ Balancing Respect for Self and Others
5. PURPOSE:   Laziness vs. Enthusiasm ~ Actively Stewarding Time and Energy
6. GRACE:  Resentment vs. Peacemaking ~ How God’s Mercy and our Anger Create Peace
7. LOVEMAKING:   Lust vs. Sexual Integrity ~ Harnessing the Powers of Sex and Romance
8. WEALTH:   Greed vs. Stewardship ~ Using Money and Material Things Wisely
9. TRUTH:  Deceit vs. Honesty ~ Responding to Issues of Reality, Authority, Validity, Power

Physical HEALTH

Taking Care of the Body:

Gluttony vs. Physical Fitness

In our addiction-prone society, almost all adults have some PKER’s:  Pain-Killing Escape from Reality, Responsibility, and Relationship.  These PKER’s can include substances (like drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and junk food), habits (like sex, gambling, working, hoarding, spending, and all manners of screen addictions), and even peoplewe want to fix, figure out, or stay attached to). This is bondage, and it results from both the Gluttony of enslavement to our desires, and the neglect of keeping our habits in balance (Physical Fitness).

The absolutely most helpful thing we can do for our health is to believe that our bodies do not belong to us, but to God. The illusion of ownership needs to give way to the humble recognition that our bodies are a gift on loan to us.  We are not the centers of our universe.  We are just passing through God’s earth on our way to our eternal home. 

An equally important biblical truth to believe and confess is that our bodies are temples, that God is willing and able every day to dwell and tag along inside us.  This motivates us to exercise, rest, eat, drink, and medicate in such healthy ways that people can see our good relationship with our almighty guest.  Regardless of whether we converse with God, whether we are believers, God is still there, feeling the impact of all we do and say.  Even the silent words in our head are not silent to God.  The fact that God not only came to visit the earth and decided to stay, but also came to visit us and decided to stay - that motivates faithful, loving, and joyful service to our holy houseguest.

Constructive, temporary, moderate

uses of PKER’s in Scripture

Drugs and alcohol were used for medicinal purposes, to prevent or treat illness, and to relieve pain (1 Tim 5:23).

They were used to give a temporary left of the spirits terminal illness, or going through agonizing losses that were major, non-routine, and not of their own doing (Prov 31: 6,7; Psalm 104: 14-15)

Sweet food and wine are enjoyed by celebrating their delicious taste and good feelings as gifts from God.  Receiving them from God with thanksgiving in worship is a means of consecrating these substances as holy (Deut 8: 7-10, Ecc 2: 24-25 and 3:13; 1 Tim 4: 3-4).

These substances are used to celebrate achievements, wholesome fellowship, and good news, such as when Jesus made enough wine for an all night party (John 2: 1-11).  Other examples are found in Matt 9: 14-15, Matt 26: 26-29, Luke 7: 33-34, and Luke 24: 29-31.

Destructive, harmful and immoderate

 uses of PKER’s in Scripture

Look at all they can take away from you:

Freedom to say no:  I Tim 3:8 and your Incentive to care, act (Matt 26: 36, 40-41)

Alertness (Luke 21:34) and judgment, memory  (Prov 31: 4,5)

Your witness, and ability to lead your family and church (1 Tim 3: 1-4, Tit 1:7)

Your spiritual appetite for God (Mt 6:24.25, 31-33; Mt 26: 40-41; Eph 5:18)

Your attractiveness (God may not be as concerned about this as you are):  1 Sam 16: 7

Health   (The many medical problems associated with obesity, drug abuse, smoking, and alcoholism could not have been explained to biblical listeners.)

The faith, trust, respect, peace, and joy of companions weaker in their faith.  Before indulging in PKER’s around people who consider your behavior offensive, read Rom 14, especially verses 3, 21, and 23.  It closes this way:  If you’re not sure, don’t do it.

Saving the best for last, for a great, colorful picture of the glutton, feast on Prov 23:29-35. And whatever you do, remember Romans 14.

Life Lessons

In three very important ways, our bodies will always be like children, and so we will always have to discipline and take care of them.  For example,

They are inherently self-centered:  they pay more attention to what’s going on inside their skin than what’s happening outside it.  So they have trouble with relationships. 

They are now-centered:  their instinctual reflexes from the lower brain react more to the immediate situation than to the past or the future.  So they have trouble with responsibility. 

And they are inherently gut-centered:  their view of the immediate situation is more colored by hormones and emotional instincts we share with animals than by the problem-solving insights of the frontal cortex that only humans have.  So they have trouble with reality.

To be successful in life, we have to keep training our bodies to respond more adaptively to the troubling challenges of reality, responsibility, and relationships.  The problem is our bodies inherently run from pain, and pain has three important purposes:  it draws our attention to our problems (reality), motivates us to solve them (responsibility), and bonds us with others who can help us (relationships).  Without pain, we lose touch with all these.

But our bodies will naturally seek out Pain-Killing Escapes (PKE’s).  The most common PKE’s are

Substances (like drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and junk food),

Habits (like sex, gambling, working, hoarding, spending, and all manners of screen addictions), and

People (like our families that we want to fix or figure out, people we want to live for and through).          

Our bodies become easily attached and addicted to idols such as these, which take away our freedoms.  It’s much healthier to live instead for a higher purpose and power, ones that we dedicate our bodies to achieve.  What kinds of higher powers and purposes are best for our health?

We need authority that calls us on a mission.  Healthy authorities and missions, healthy powers and purposes, won’t compete with our reality, responsibilities, and relationships.  They will fulfill them.  They won’t limit our freedoms and powers, they will expand them.  They won’t leave the world depleted and damaged, but a healthy power and purpose will leave the world a better place for all who live within it.

By this common-sense definition, religion can be sick or healthy.  We will know pastors, churches, and religions by their fruits.  We need to look around at our family of faith, and within ourselves.  Does our faith inspire gluttony or physical fitness?  Not only that, does it inspire laziness or enthusiasm, resentment or peacemaking, deceitfulness or honesty, selfish pride or humility?

How do we avoid pain-killing escapes, idols, and unhealthy higher powers?   It helps to strengthen beliefs like this through prayer and meditation: 

• I am not my body.  I am a living soul, a person who takes care of my body. 
• I can educate and discipline myself to give my body what it needs instead of what it wants.
• If I take good care of my body, it will respond with obedience when I ask it to take care of me. 
• Nobody else can take care of my body successfully unless I am doing it. 
• My body isn’t actually mine, as it’s on loan to me for a higher purpose than my own wellbeing.
• My higher power is personal, a being that gives me reality, responsibility, and relationship.            
• My higher power is present and alive, living both around me and within me.
• This higher being inspires all the healthy fruits, and none of the sickening ones.
• My higher power gives me the freedom to do anything, and will help me learn from it.

If we are to act on these beliefs in a critical time of choice, we’ll need to have prayed and meditated on them regularly beforehand.  Otherwise, our lower animal instincts will kick in to seek pleasure and safety the way it used to do as a child.  And we’ll act on sickening beliefs about our idols, the habits, chemicals, and people we’re dependent on.  It helps to weaken beliefs like this, by using prayer and meditation to see how misguided and harmful they really are: 

• My idol brings me good times, and bad times come when people take it away.
• My idol makes me feel strong, beautiful, and worthwhile, like nobody else can.
• My idol is the best thing in my life, and it gives me life.
• When others criticize and attack my idol, they are criticizing and attacking me.
• Even when everyone else pulls me away from my idol, I will remain loyal to it.
• Enjoying my idol is the one freedom I would give up any other freedom to preserve.
• The people who support my idol are my people, and I don’t trust anyone else.

One important aspect of physical health is a positive body image.  Young people and especially young teens can make themselves sick comparing their bodies to those of their peers, to those of media celebrities, or worst of all, to the bodies of their friends who get more attention in real life, or in social media.  Young boys can feel terribly inadequate if their abs, pecs, shoulders, biceps, height and weight aren’t what they idolize.  Young girls can easily get hyper-critically obsessed about almost any aspect of their bodies.  And teenagers’ self-image/self-worth can be way too much about their bodies, and not enough about their minds, hearts, and faith, not enough about their accomplishments, talents, or relationships.  When people don’t esteem their bodies, they often punish, distract, or comfort themselves with addictive chemicals, habits, or relationships.  These choices just trigger another downward cycle into lower self-esteem, and more hatred for their bodies.

Here are some strategies for reversing the curse of a poor body image:

• Listen to your recorded voice slowly affirming your version of the positive body beliefs listed above.
• While doing that, listen to instrumental praise music, and in a spirit of gratitude, look at your body in a mirror.
• While doing the three things above, work out, not to sculpt an idol, but to get stronger and healthier.
• Through prayer and meditation, pray to see yourself as God does, through God’s eyes, created just as God made you to be.
• In the same way, ask God to help you see both your positive and negative body images, as if seeing yourself in two separate mirrors, one that is real in God’s eyes, and one that’s false in your own.
• Then ask God to help you see the mirror as framed and full length, and see yourself walking through the mirror frame into your positive body image.
• Make yourself home in that body, and thank God for your new home.
• Discipline your eyes and your mind’s eye to avoid focusing on the bodies of other people, especially celebrities, and the pictures of friends on image-driven social media.
• Focus instead on people’s insides, their hearts, minds, and souls, praying for what they need.
• Create a peer group for healthy mutual support of each other’s body images, adding and subtracting members as needed by group consensus.

In taking care of your body, remember it needs a mission statement.  The respect you have for your body and your motivation for taking care of it will grow in response to the calling you give for its life.

Parenting Tips

RAISING CHILDREN WHO USE FOOD,

DRUGS, AND ALCOHOL FOR BODILY HEALTH     

Preschool  and Elementary Years

Children of all ages need to hear words like this repeatedly:  You are not your body. You are a soul, a person who takes care of your body.  Nobody else can do it.  It’s like your personal pet, who can’t take care of itself, and trusts you to do it.  Give it what it needs, not what it demands.  Then like a good pet, it will obey and serve you, and be a pleasure to you and others.  But if your body bosses you around, you will be a nuisance to others.  You may even act like a whiny dog demanding treats.  If you are indulged now with food, later you’ll demand worse things, like alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs to make you feel OK.  Do we know somebody like that?  Do you want to end up like ______ (name people you both know, including yourself)?    

For kids to learn self-control from you, you’ve got to be consistent with them.  These one-liners can reinforce your consistent consequences:

• If you want your dessert that much, you’d eat the vegetables your body needs so you can have it.
• When you act bossy and rude, I won’t give you any sweets, or even my attention. [walk away]
• Too much sugar and you act like you can’t listen or control yourself well.  So that’s enough.    

Middle and High School

At this age, hormones, peer groups, and love interests can make teens feel uncomfortable in their bodies.  Besides, they no longer look like cute children, and don’t yet look like powerful, independent adults.  From all these influences, they may sometimes give eating, smoking, vaping, drinking, and drugging credit for the good times they’ve had, and then even make them a requirement for good times they want to have in the future.  Adjusted for your child and for the situation at hand, you might ask your kids things like this:

• Would those kids [you use with] really like you, just the way you are, even without drugs?  Why do you think so?
• What do your friends do for fun naturally, without (drugs)?  How healthy does that look to you?
• How are their lives helping others?  What makes you think so?  Does that matter to you?
• How healthy are their relationships with their families?   with others who don’t (drink/use)?
• You seem to be trying to prove that this is your body, but is it really?  Is it your own, or is it on loan?
• How is your body image?  How does your body look and feel to you right now?  What would fix that?  How do you know that would satisfy you?
• Are others making you feel ugly?  How so?  What could make you feel good-enough looking around them?
• Is your body minding you, or does it seem to have a mind of its own sometimes?  When is that?

Draw them out in accepting, calm, curious conversation.  If that’s hard, maybe include a third person they trust.  Find out which people they most want their bodies to look like and why (their idols).  Ask what they long for in life, what they think these other people have that they don’t (their invisible idols).  Ask how they think these people have used their bodies to get these things.

Then help them see the real, lasting versions of what they long for.  Where does genuine beauty, wealth, power, confidence, intimacy, peace come from?  Don’t you also want to feel these things coming up in you from within, so you always feel you have enough to share, so that others are drawn to you for it? 

Help them discover that these powerful assets come from God, given through people who share them freely, needing nothing in return, people who make you feel beautiful, strong, and worthwhile.  Be one of those people.  Once you are, they’ll want to know how you found your beauty, strength, contentment, etc., how you get yourself refreshed when you get run down.  Remember they won’t care what you know until they know that you care.

HEALTH  1

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PEACE  2

PEACE

Fear vs. Faith

Sheltering in Ultimate Power & Peace 

Our PEACE is where we go for strength, where we find our security, confidence, and safety.  But whatever power we trust to take care of us, it takes over us. So we need to make sure our protector wants us to surrender not to his control, but to his care.  Good security protects our freedom, not our walls.  The fruits of FAITH include peace, confidence, courage, calm, focus, and hope.  A bad protector keeps us in the spirit of FEAR, making us and others bear the fruits of insecurity, worry, anxiety, doubt, panic, and nervousness.

HARMFUL ways to find peace,

security, strength, and safety,

and what harm they cause

Idolizing a person (see Samson in Judges 13) or an institution (Israel and its kings 1&2 Samuel)

Don’t fear and fall for popular conspiracy theories:  You’ll stumble into a trap.  Isa 8: 12-15

Dealing with the devil to make your world safe:  Disaster for Judas,  Luke 22: 3-53, Acts 1:16-25

NATURAL, NEUTRAL ways to find peace

and safety, and what results from these

Worrying about tomorrow, your body, your death weighs you down   Pr 12:25, 29:25; Matt 6: 25-34

Trusting in your own heart (deceitful Jer. 17:9) or judgment (Pr 14:12):  self-help will exhaust you.

 HELPFUL, HEALTHY ways to find peace

and safety, and what good comes from these

Make the Lord your refuge: no evil will conquer you, God will rescue and honor you      Psalm 91: 9-16 When in court facing prison and torture, trust God to put words into your mouth      Matt 10: 16-18 Your awareness can dwell on/live in your body, heart, mind, or soul.  Focus on/Live in your soul, as no one can touch you there, because that’s where God is in complete control    Matt 10: 28-31 Trust that the presence of God calms storms, including our storms of fear and doubt   Matt 14: 22-34    

Ask God for more faith:  worked well for father of demoniac son    Mark 9 and Thomas John 20: 24-28 Trust God as sheep trust a shepherd (Ps 23); listen for the voice of the Good Shepherd    John 10: 10-16 Reframe suffering to see the full part of glass; find fellowship with Christ’s suffering       2 Cor 4:8-12

Believe the faith God gives is the first sign of other supernatural things God will also do        Heb 11:1

Memorize, remember, and trust

in the promises of God

“The Lord is my helper; I won’t be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?”   Psalm 23, Mt 10:28, Heb 13:6

“Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.  And don’t worry about tomorrow, for it will bring its own worries.”    Matt 6: 33-34 NLT

“We know that God causes everything to work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them....  Nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Rom 8: 28, 38 NLT   God doesn’t take all our fears and doubts away.  Our thorns in the flesh are left to keep us humbly aware of our need for God, for the strength that’s made perfect in weakness.    2 Cor 12: 7b-10

“Don’t be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus….  Whatever is true…noble…right…pure…lovely…admirable, think about such things.”    Phil 4: 6-8 NIV       

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”   2 Tim 1:7  “Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.  And after you have suffered for a little while, God will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you.”   1 Pet 5: 7,10-11 NRSV

Life Lessons

Fear vs. Faith

Flipping your Script

 from Fear over to Faith

Fear:  preoccupation and paralysis, from worry and anxiety about the future	Faith:  trusting ina benevolent source of strength and security, even in a crisis
Fear brings   · Insecurity  · Worry  · Anxiety   · Panic  · Doubt  · Insomnia  · Distraction	Faith brings   · Calm  · Hope  · Confidence     · Peace  · Courage  · Selective attention

Receiving Junk Foods of Fear	Receiving­ Whole Foods of Faith
Focusing on threats and problems grows them	Focusing on peace and solutions grows them
Identifying with my body that’s in danger	Identifying with my soul now being empowered
Seeing fear as a curse to pull me down into harm	Seeing fear as a gift to push me up into hope
Seeing a threat able to drive my anxiety up	Seeing protection that’s able to calm my fears
Seeing I’m bound to and belong to my enemy	Seeing I’m connected and belonging to friends
I believe I’m forsaken by all my protectors	I believe I’m found & joined by my protectors
I can’t distract myself from my body’s pain	Focusing on causes beyond me I won’t forsake
Seeing my enemy can ruin or steal best of me	Seeing I can give my best away and not run out
Seeing my enemy transforming me into itself	Seeing my enemy become like me, or leave me
Hearing words cursing, criticizing, weakening, limiting, degrading many people as losers	Hearing words blessing, affirming, freeing, strengthening, honoring many people as winners

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Sharing Sinful, Sickening Fruits of Fear	Sharing Holy, Healthy Fruits of Faith
My body freezes and can’t get anything done	My body flows smoothly into helpful action
I ask people to help me flee from my enemy	I carefully face my enemy to understand better
I ask people to help me fight & kill my enemy	I teach people to forgive and bless my enemy
I tell others what my enemy is making me into	I tell others who I am, always was, and will be
I ask others to deliver me from defeat	I share with others the opportunity of victory
I feel discouraged, my misery seeks company	I grow my encouragement by sharing it
I appeal to people, groups, institutions I idolize	I appeal to invisible, higher power inside and out
My words long for the past and dread the future	I confess my hopes for the here and now
I rail against my present circumstances	I teach people to mentally travel in time & space
I tell others I feel sorry for myself and them	I tell others what I’m thankful for, even now

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Do I draw more fear or faith from my family and friends at home? 

What fear or faith do I share with them?

Can I find healthier rules and role models for me to follow, ones that grow my faith and not my fear?

Considering my employer, coworkers, job requirements, does my work give me faith and strength, or drain it?

At work, how could I reset my boundaries for my words and deeds, to regain strength over worry?

Do I worry about how the outside world will affect my family and work, or do I find hope and courage there?

What changes can I make in how I relate to others (intake/output of traditional and social media)?

Parenting Tips

RAISING COURAGEOUS CHILDREN

WHO CARRY PEACE OF MIND

We can’t expect our children to find courage and peace of mind in fearful situations any more than we have found them ourselves.  The two biggest powers we have against fear are choosing what to believe in ahead of time, and on the spot, what to pay attention to.  Our beliefs serve as an inoculation of peace to prevent infection by those who would enslave us to fear.  In the moment, our beliefs enable us to pay attention to sources of strength and hope that work like inhalers of courage, to give us confidence when we need it most. 

We need to find healthy role models to follow, ones that grow not fear but faith.  We will know them by their fruits – the lifestyles and attitudes of wellbeing.  We lose our freedom when we trust and pay attention to anyone who puts out words and deeds that bring insecurity, worry, panic, doubt, confusion, and mistrust.  By contrast, we gain freedom when we rely on people who trust in some higher power that brings peace, hope, confidence, courage, and calm. 

Share your Past Anxieties

When news comes into your family of bullies in school and adult life, or of terrifying episodes of traumatic abuse, talk about how the victims could have inhaled courage.   Tell children about your past and present troubles with these things.  Share what happened when you relied too much on yourself, and on other self-centered people.  Ask yourself where you go in a crisis to find security.  (To learn more, ask your loved ones where they see you going for these things.)  Children need to see you trusting in a higher source of protection than yourself, one that not only protects you, but indwells you, where it blesses you to bless others. 

Teach them a Fire Drill

In elementary school, we learned to imagine and rehearse fires and practice getting to safety.  Likewise you can teach children to imagine a fearful situation, take a couple of deep breaths, and access the strongest, sweetest spirit they have ever known (their grandmother, maybe you, ideally God’s indwelling spirit of love).  Next they can listen to words of affirmation and comfort coming from that sweet strength.  They can practice saying these words to themselves, maybe saving them into their journals or phones. 

Fire drills can include scriptures like the 23^rd psalm, or prayers.  One formula some people use is a series of rehearsed behaviors recalled with the letters S-A-F-E:  Support and Soothe yourself, Affirm your Assets and Alliances, Focus on the Future, and Engage your Encouragers.  However they do it, practicing their fire drill will help children in the situations below.

Bullying at School

When someone tries to bully our children or their friends, they need the inoculating belief that they aren’t alone.  Their bodies may be in danger, but their souls can travel, to another time and place.  They can learn to imagine protective authority coming to their aid.  They can soon ask parents, grandparents, school officials, and other effective friends to discipline the bully.  More importantly, they can teach children effective responses to make when bullied.  For inhaling, pressure-relief responses they can use on the spot, here are ten practical tips: 

1. Never think or talk like a bigot.  
2. Make your peace with any visible flaws you can’t hide.  
3. Be kind to your enemies now and then.  
4. Play it cool—don’t run or walk away.   
5. Never let bullies see you sweat.  
6. Don’t surrender territory, money, or possessions to bullies.   
7. Break the tension with a smile and even a little laugh.   
8. Don’t let your parents overprotect you.  
9. Do use the protection and support of your peers.   
10. Choose friends who try to follow 1 through 9 above.   

Traumatic Abuse

All children need to be prepared to deal with being mistreated.  For children not to be victimized by such incidents, they can learn to talk their feelings out with safe people, so they won’t take their anger at the abuser out on themselves and others.  The inoculation of peace is to believe that victims of traumatic abuse can learn to take responsibility for their own healing.

The central lesson here is this:  we can feel our feelings of fear and talk them out, so we can believe our beliefs that we are always safe and sound inside our bodies where our higher power lives.

PEACE  2

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LOVE  3

LOVE

Envy vs. Compassion

Balancing Love for Self and Others

Envy/Jealousy rots the bones:   Prov. 14:30;

Descriptions of Envy:  James 3: 14, 16;  4: 1-3.

For Jesus, the 10^th Commandment (coveting, comparing) calls for love, compassion:  (Mt 19:19)

Descriptions of Compassion  (agape, Love)

Prophetic call to specific acts, with specific blessings from God   Isaiah 58: 6-12

Paul’s classic expression of  “Love is patient and kind…”    I Cor 13: 4-7

God is love; we love because He first loved us    I John 3: 16-17

Perfect love casts out fear    I John 4: 16-21

Caring for the sick, lonely, imprisoned, hungry is the way we show our love for God, and our eligibility for the Kingdom of Heaven.    Matt 25: 31-46

Examples of Envy

Cain envies Abel’s favor with God, and kills him    Gen 4: 1-5

Brothers envy father’s favor of Joseph, and try to kill him    Gen 37: 1-5, 9,11

Brother of prodigal son refuses to join the party    Luke 15: 25-32

People won’t fast and cry with John, or eat and drink with Jesus    Matt 11: 16-19

Envy is given as the motive for church leaders killing Jesus    Matt 27: 18

Examples of Compassion

Hosea stands by his wife through adultery and harlotry, and buys her back. This symbolizes God’s love as well.   Hosea 1-3

Examples of the compassion of Christ   Matt 8:3, 9:36, 14:14, 15:32, 20:34, and 23:37

The good Samaritan illustrates the greatest commandment    Luke 10: 27-37

Example of Compassion overcoming Envy

In contrast to the envy of his father King Saul toward David for his popularity, youth, and courageousness in battle, (I Sam 18: 1-4), Jonathan loved David as much as his own life.  He supported him even by facing his father’s murderous rage, and overcoming it.   I Sam 19: 1-7 

Commandments to Express Love and

Ways to Regenerate Love with Self-Discipline

The 10th Commandment:  don’t covet what your neighbor has.   Ex 20:17

Love one another, don’t hate; don’t carry any grudges.   Lev 19: 17-18

Love, bless, pray for, and do good to your enemies.   Matt 5: 43-47

Woman at Jesus’ feet:  the more we’re forgiven, the more we can love.    Luke 7: 44-47

Bless and don’t curse your enemies.  Laugh with those who laugh, and weep with those who weep.    Rom 12: 14-15

Hang in there – don’t seek to get your own way.   I Cor 13: 4-5

Shows how Concern is related to Respect and Anger:  forgive others as Christ forgave you.   Col 3: 12-14

What good is faith or love without caring for practical, physical needs?   James 2: 14-16

In response to Christ’s sacrifice, we should love others, not just in word, but in deed and truth.   I John 3: 16-18

Life Lessons

Lessons on CARING:

Concern, Love, Devotion, Loyalty, Helping

Who do you rely on, to give you these soul foods? 

Who can rely on you, to share yours with them?

Are the people you allow to help you living healthy lives,

   leaving the world a better place for all?  

Do they care about what’s best for everybody in the long run,

   or just for people who care about them?  

Are those you help healthy, and leaving the world a better place? 

If they are or not, it’s contagious.

The key to healthy caring is discernment – we need to see both the sick and the healthy sides of everyone’s nature, especially our own, and give preference to what’s healthy, to whatever works out best for all in the long run.  The sickening sides of ourselves are concerned with image management, the parts of our nature we can fix ourselves.  That part helps those who will mostly help us, such as dependent loved ones who won’t much help themselves or others.  The key toxic belief is that there is only so much love to go around, so we have to keep it close at hand, where we can reel it back in.  The healthy belief is that the more we love expecting nothing in return, the more we find we have to give, with new love coming from within, and from other healthy people. 

Sinful, Unhealthy Beliefs	Holy, Healthy Beliefs
When others get loved, that’s love I should have had.	If I rejoice in what love they get, my love grows.
When I celebrate what others lose, that’s free joy for me.	Feeling up when you’re down will make me sick.
I see many people dependent on me to rescue them.	All can seek and find the help and healing they need.
I admire people who take really good care of themselves.	I admire balanced concern for God, others, and self.
I love who I see you to be, more than I love the real you.	I love the real you and me, not the folks you see us as.
I don’t care much for people I don’t know or understand.	I let myself take care of hurting, helpless strangers.
I quickly get depleted helping people who are helpless.	As my circle of concern grows, I heal and grow.
On social media, I compare how others look to how I look.	On social media, I see what others feel and need.

Sinful, Unhealthy Habits	Holy, Healthy Habits
I may despise or envy the good fortunes of others.	I rejoice when others do, and weep when they weep.
I over-indulge and over-protect my loved ones.	I lovingly respect others so I can let go joyfully.
I help only needy people who help themselves.	I help needy people build and enjoy a better life.
I neglect my feelings and needs, but not others’.	I take care of others, and of their caretaker (me).
I help others who let me do it my way, and thank me.	I help others when no one will know I’ve done it.
I will scratch your back if you scratch mine.	I enjoy helping those who can’t do anything for me.
I have trouble accepting and returning genuine love.	I receive unconditional love because I give it.
I like to criticize and correct people on social media.	My social media posts are kind and sociable.

Parenting Tips

RAISING CHILDREN WHO LOVE WELL

King Solomon said, “Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”  When a heart loves one person or group too much, a spring for loving self and others dries up inside.  Young adults with this pattern have usually learned it from their parents.  It doesn’t have to be this way.

The key to a healthy wellspring of love is balance.  ~ Love your neighbor as yourself, and love yourself as you love others.  ~ Love the neighbor who is balanced that way, more than the one who isn’t.  ~ Watch out for the ones who love themselves or someone else too much or too little, including you, as they will drain your wellspring.  ~ Keep your wellspring connected to your Creator, and to the community that loved your heart first, as they know the well-balanced life the heart needs to stay healthy. 

How can parents raise children with well-balanced hearts?   Make sure that you show love in a balanced way to everyone in the home, including yourself.  Don’t show more love to the ones who show the least love to themselves and others.  Instead, do show some love to people most in need outside the home, such as the elderly, sick, less privileged, and those new to the community.  And at each stage in your children’s development, be ready to teach them to love in balanced ways they will need at that age.

Preschool Years

Always indulging or picking up crying children will exhaust you both.  Teach babies they may have to wait awhile for their desires to be met.  Learning to tolerate a little discomfort is a way for them to gain strength.  Their irrational fears will subside, if they’re given enough time to adjust, thus showing love themselves and for you.  This works with fears like darkness, storms, quiet, the sight of new people, the taste of new foods, and being away from their parents.  They can learn to distract and soothe themselves, thus developing a taste or tolerance for things they will be experiencing in life. 

Elementary School

Friendships in grade school pull children’s hearts from their families.  When they’ve been rejected, while you comfort them, give them more education than sympathy.  The two keys are teaching them to give attention and affection wisely.  “Why give your attention to them, and hope they’re nice to you?   Pay them no mind, and let those snooty people have each other.  Look for people who need a friend, for people that are nice to everybody.  Be nice to them and see how that goes.”  Tell them how these things worked well for you and others when you were young.

Middle and High School

Passions run higher now.  Being rejected in love, left out of a clique, or worst of all, getting locked into a lopsided romance or clique are big hurts that most teens suffer.  But not to worry – it’s better for them to learn from these experiences than to avoid them.  They’ll learn when you ask (and keep asking) these questions:         ~ “You are giving and forgiving a lot, not getting much back.  Why?”   ~ “Why do you deserve this?”   ~ “Why not talk your feelings out with a healthy person, instead of acting them out with one who’s not?”   ~ “Do you enjoy your life more or less than you did before you got into this?”  ~ “How does this end?”

It doesn’t help to lecture or criticize teens, or those they love.  Stories will help, especially from your own life.  The best you can do is to guard your own heart.  Show them how much you enjoy life, thanks be to your healthy, well-balanced wellspring heart.   

LOVE  3

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HONOR  4

HONOR

Selfish Pride vs. Humility

 Balancing Respect for Self and Others

Selfish Pride is the habit of thinking too much of ourselves, having too much regard for our worth, importance, intelligence, charm, looks, etc.  The flip side of that coin is insecurity, which is a constant undercurrent for vain people.  It erupts to the surface at times of failure and rejection.  For others, it stays on top in the way they act and treat themselves as worthless.  They could appreciate their worth if they didn’t keep expecting themselves to be and do more than they can (that’s from underlying superiority).  The following scriptures explain the causes, consequences, and corrections of this attitude of Selfish Pride, as well as its positive counterpart, genuine Humility.

CAUSES

1.  Pretending “I am alone.  No one sees me.  There is no God.”  Isaiah 47: 8-11

2.  Denying the world was created by God, and in place of God, idolizing something or someone that was created.  Rom 1: 21-32

3.  “Praying” to self instead of God.  Lk 18: 9-14

4.  Taking credit for God’s gifts.  Prov 27:21, Rom 12: 3

5.  Trusting in one’s own moral purity and will power to impress God.  Job 25: 1, 4-6; 27: 1, 4- 6; 38: 1-4; 42: 1-6

6.  Trying to impress others.  Matt 6: 16-18; 23: 4-12         

7.  Fooling oneself into believing that others are impressed.  Luke 14: 7-11

CONSEQUENCES 

1.  God will show us who he is.  Job 42: 1-6

2.  If this is denied, God gives people up to their own lusts and depraved minds.  Rom 1: 21-32

3.  God does not answer prayer, or give expected rewards.   Mt 6: 16-18

4.  Selfish Pride evokes the judgmental side of others.  Mt 7:1

5.  Proud people embarrass and humiliate themselves; they look ridiculous when exposed.   Mt 7: 2-5, Luke 14: 17-24

6.  They deceive themselves.  Gal 6:3 and Rom 1:21-25

7.  Other people reject them, and they don’t know why.  Isaiah 47: 8-11

8.  Selfish Pride, the chief of the seven deadly sins, has always been considered basic, leading to all the others.   Rom 1: 21-32

9.  The humble, on the other hand, are exalted, both in this life (Luke 14: 7-11;  18:9-14) and the next (Mt 5: 3, 5).

10.  There is always a fall - what blows up, must come down.  Prov 16:18, 18:12

CORRECTIONS

Discipline is given by God (see verses above), which is accepted and extended (through self-discipline) by the humble.  Here’s how:

Meditate on Psalm 51.  Make it your prayer.

Try not to judge others.  Mt 7:1, Rom 14: 4

Appreciate God’s gifts.  Be thankful for them, and don’t steal God’s glory.  Rom 12: 3

Associate with people who are “beneath you.”  Rom 12:16

Esteem others even more than self.  Follow Christ’s example:  turn down the quest for fame, and take up the role of servant.  Phil 2: 3-9

Humility is a gift, the fruit of the Spirit (meekness – Gal 5: 22-23).  It can be expressed and practiced once it is given, but it cannot be created by self-discipline alone.

Life Lessons

Issues of Honor, Esteem, Respect, Worth, and Value:

Discerning our Healthy from our Toxic Ways of Life

The issues of honor, respect, and worth lie at the very cores of our identity.  They are pivotal in motivating how we use all the life resources that that make us either sick or healthy.  If I think that my gifts, desires, or accomplishments make me special or entitle me to special privileges, I will make myself and others sick by wanting more and more of their admiration.  By contrast, if I think of myself as just a normal, regular person entitled to nothing special, then I am free to notice and appreciate special moments when they come along.   I will experience them with all the wonder, gratitude, and joy of a child, rather than like a scheming, selfish person does, with shaky performance anxiety, or smug self-congratulation.  The Greek word humus for soil is the root for our words human, humor, and humble, which allcome from being down to earth. 

Remembering that wellness is whatever does the most good and the least harm to the most people in the long run, it is healthy to believe that all people have unique existential value, that we all have potential for both good and evil, to grow up or down in a crisis, to become both sick and healthy, as we choose.

Let’s look at the chart of our nine basic soul foods, the neutral life experiences that come to us all.  Depending how we seek out honor, esteem, respect, worth, and value, and how we share them, these resources can be used to make ourselves and others either sick or healthy.  Looking at our two contrasting lists of what breeds illness or wellness, we can learn a lot about ourselves by asking questions like these:

• Who and what do I honor as most important in my life, as most valuable to me?
• What people and groups do I honor the most?   Who do they most honor, and who honors them?
• Who most honors me?  What kind of people honor them?
• Whose approval do I try hardest to get?   What things do I do to get that approval?

Experiences that feed a person’s vitality we have called soul foods.  Here are ten “A-foods” that signify honor, that can help us see where ours is coming in from, and going out to:

Adoration	Attention	Acceptance	Attraction		Appreciation
Admiration	Affection	Acknowledgement		Approval	Atonement

The key to health and wellness is to realize that the more we draw these from and give them to healthy people and groups, the more we and they have to give to others over time.  When we draw and give them from people who aren’t well, we find we get drained.  We have less and less to give, and they drain others as well.  Whether in sickness or in health, we reap what we sow.

Below are contrasting mindsets and habits that will produce more illness or wellness in people, depending on how they use the neutral resources of honor, honor, and worth:

Natural, Flesh Beliefs about Honor	Inspired Beliefs about Honor
I can easily tell who’s worth knowing, & who’s not.	Deep down, below the obvious, everyone is worth knowing.
All authority and government are corrupt, suspect.	We need healthy people in authority for the common good.
I can only trust my own experiences and beliefs.	I value the collective wisdom and welfare of others over mine.
I devalue your pain and weakness, and my own.	Pain, mystery and weakness draw and bond us to each other.
I cherish things that make me feel better than you.	Pride and shame are flip sides of every inflated self-image.
I love being in control so I can do things just right.	I’m never in control of others; perfection is an illusion too.
My life is what I have made it to be – I deserve it.	My good gifts, breaks, helpers make me humbly grateful.
I have no need for those who are beneath me.	I can’t do or become much without others’ love and help.
If I can see it, I can be it:  I love image management.	Our own image management will deceive and betray us.
I want all the freedom and happiness I can get, and I’ll take yours to get more for myself.	We all deserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness; I’ll share mine to make more for all.

Natural, Flesh Habits with Honor	Inspired Habits with Honor
I post and vote my opposition to things I distrust.	I post and vote my support of things for the common good.
I give my honor and attention to those who earn it.	I try to give listening honor and common courtesies to all.
I hide and lie about my failures and weaknesses.	I share my failures and faults to atone for and learn from them.
I need my body, house, and car to look attractive.	I want to be honored for my relationships and life work.
I focus on things I can control to make them perfect.	I just try to do the best I can, and leave the results to God.
I idolize admirable people, and I want to be idolized.	I seek the approval of God, & those who know and love me.
I only run with people I can use, admire, or enjoy.	I enjoy relating with folks in all walks of life, high and low.
I enjoy knowing how to judge the worth of others.	Who am I to judge you?  And who are you to judge me?
This is a dog-eat-dog world:  the big dogs rule.	This world has a created harmony I seek to line up with.
I hate being embarrassed, can’t stand for it to show.	I have learned to enjoy being human when I’m embarrassed.

A wise man once challenged his mentees in a healthy community to “outdo one another in showing honor.”   Even for type A’s driven to excel, that is a very healthy competition, and any group or relationship that embraces it will be kept full of life.

Parenting Tips

RAISING CHILDREN WHO ESTEEM THEMSELVES

(AND HONOR OTHERS TOO)

Kids who don’t receive time and undivided attention from their parents will struggle with self-confidence unless somebody else gives them these things.  Whoever gives them self-worth this way often gives them their values and beliefs as well.  So make sure that’s you.

The 10 A-pills

Honor, value, and esteem are shown by how we give and receive these ten expressions of honor:  acceptance, acknowledgement, admiration, adoration, affection, approval, appreciation, atonement, attraction, and the first thing that starts it all, attention.  These “A-pills” are the building blocks of self-esteem.  Tracking where our children get their A-pills, and who they give theirs to, will explain a lot about the other choices they make.  Teach them to lean into people who give them more of these A-pills than they expect to receive.  That should include you.  And likewise they need to beware those who expect to be given more than they seem to give.  This might show them their idols are toxic.

During the Covid pandemic, wearing facemasks and how we talked about them were opportunities to show honor or dishonor, for both self and others.  Manners are key to giving and receiving honor.  Saying please and thank you brings help and self-honor our way.  When someone dishonors us, we need to use mutually honoring comebacks, most effectively with a smile:  “Are you asking or telling me?” or “That’s your opinion.”

Pre-school Years

Honor is taught in rules for play, how we treat our siblings and friends.  Let’s teach our children how we enjoy life more when we are honest, kind, and fair.  “The reason you’re bored/lonely/unhappy is that nobody wants to play with you.  If you want to play with others, take turns, share, and show joy when other people win.”  That grows their self-honor.  We get what we give, we reap what we sow.  A practical reason for the golden rule is that people tend to do unto us as we have done unto them.

Elementary School Years

Being kind to those who are kind to us is a start in building self-esteem.  But being kind to those who can’t give us much back grows our self-worth even more.  Give your children their favorite A-pills at this age whenever they are kind to new kids, teased kids, or those of different race, religion, or standard of living.  Teach them to honor others not for what they have, but for what they have done with what they have.  Ask your kids if they and their friends are making the world a better place to live for themselves, or for everyone they meet.  That where your honor should clearly go.

Middle and High School Years

Perhaps your children act like they think too much of others (idolizing them), or too little of them (dehumanizing, demonizing).  Or maybe in similar ways, they think too much or too little of themselves.  The easiest way to find a happy medium with honor is to teach them an attitude of gratitude.  Ask them to count their blessings, showing they appreciate what’s been given to them that they didn’t earn, that others don’t get.  Ask them to do the same with those they idolize, looking at all they have been given.  Ask them to consider the many disadvantages of those they look down on.

Those who think too much or too little of themselves have one thing in common – they are self-centered.  Whether your children show arrogance or shame, they believe they are somehow special.  No healthy person is going to treat them that way, so they need to get over themselves while they are still young. 

It is all too common to see teenagers lose interest in other people.  They reserve most of their honor for their love interests and their peer group.  When most adolescents come into a peer group or love relationship, too often they start showing less honor for outsiders, especially for authority figures.  Parents can track where the dishonor comes from, and make the teen’s contact with these sources more difficult.  Whatever they abuse they can lose.  Teens who want to earn back lost privileges, devices, and relationships will, if you require it, show more thoughtful words and deeds toward others.

Finally, we all need to learn to laugh at ourselves.  It is healthy to enjoy teasing about our common human failures and limitations.  If your child refuses to see this, you can show them how funny it is to watch a person who always takes themselves seriously.  The point of this, of all these parenting tips, is for your children to show modest and moderate honor for themselves, and likewise for all other people.  The smaller their circle of honor, the faster they will spin in circles.  The wider that circle of honor gets, the farther they can go in life, and the more they will enjoy the journey.

HONOR  4

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PURPOSE  5

PURPOSE

Laziness  vs. Enthusiasm 

Active Stewardship of Time and Energy

Laziness on the surface is apathy, boredom, procrastination, and lethargy.  It is a lifestyle of reluctance to work, and addiction to rest and play.  The lazy person may be deceived, and say “I can’t” instead of “I won’t.”  By always trying to avoid the ridicule of failure, and the rejection which comes from hurting others’ feelings, one can become caught up in habitual sins of omission.

The antidote to this is Enthusiasm, which is the inspired dedication to work hard in service to God and others.  It requires an appreciation of the precious scarcity of our time and energy.  We must recognize our talents and opportunities, and see that God’s giving them to us grants us both responsibility and a source of self-respect.

Laziness is an insidious attitude, growing on us suddenly without our awareness.  Before we know it, it has come upon us, and is taking us into financial or spiritual poverty (Pr 24: 30-34).  Separated from God, work begins to seem like a curse (Gen 3: 17-19).  We may even want to mooch off others (2 Thess 3: 7-13), or expect believers to take care of our family for us (1Tim 5:8).  We rationalize our laziness as due to fear (Pr 26:13), fatigue (vv. 14-15), and cleverness (v. 16), but none of these are valid excuses.  Here are some ways to overcome our lethargy and apathy, and live with Enthusiasm:

Celebrate (as Jews historically have) both work and play as gifts from God meant to be enjoyed.  (Eccl 3: 9-13, 5: 18-20; and 9: 9-10).  Don’t just hear or read the word of God, but be sure that you do it (Matt 7: 24-27).  See your occupation as a loving service to your Heavenly Father, not to your earthly boss (Col 3:17, 23-24). 

Believe that with indwelling Holy Spirit, we have the very enthusiastic life of God coming through us.  Read about God’s enthusiasm in Isaiah 40: 25-31, where we learn that those who wait and hope in God can “renew their strength . . . can run and not grow weary.” 

Learn from the ants that there’s a time to work and a time to play (Prov 6: 6-11), so that our hunger and poverty, or our potential for it, or the needs of others, can motivate our work (Prov 16:26, 2 Thess 3:10).

Realize that time is short, so make every moment count (Psalm 90:12).  Jesus warns us that he may come back and we may die at any time (Matt 24: 37-51).  Surrounding that teaching, Jesus told us three poignant stories to illustrate the urgency of life, teaching us to consider our talents and opportunities as gifts from God, comparing our accomplishments not to others’ but to what we could be doing (Matt 24: 14-30); to serve other people unselfishly in the faith that as we bless others, we are blessing the Lord Himself (Matt 24: 31-46); and always to be ready for death (Matt 25: 1-13).

Finally, we can look away from what we used to be (our sinful past), and focus our attention on the future, on how we are becoming more like Christ (Philippians 3: 10-14).

Life Lessons

FOCUSING OUR DRIVE AND ATTENTION:

HEALTHY INVESTMENTS OF TIME AND ENERGY

Science has clearly demonstrated entropy, the stark reality that our world is winding down, and slowly running out of energy.  The sun and the planets are cooling from their cores, and all living things are deteriorating into death.  Most people also believe that like our bodies, our world is running out of time as well.  The four-dimensional time-space continuum is apparently running out of gas.  So if the world God created is dying, is it therefore inevitable that we are all losing our liveliness?

Most people believe there is a fifth dimension, one that has something to do with sickness and health.  It can hasten death, or inspire new life.  How do some people seem to get livelier as they age?  What is vitality?  Where does it come from, and can we grow our experience of it?  Beyond conceiving children, can we participate in an ongoing process of creating life?  Can we tap into something that lets us co-create time, and energy?  As our bodies age, can the soul within be getting younger?

We have many choices regarding what to believe about vitality vs. entropy.  And those beliefs and mindsets strongly influence many lifestyle choices about how we behave.  These choices clearly influence how long we live, and more importantly, how much we and others enjoy our lives.  The key to experiencing a fullness of time and energy is living with a fruitful purpose.  Here are some ways you can retrain your brain to guide and motivate healthier choices.

Natural, Flesh Beliefs about Vitality	Inspired Beliefs about Vitality
If you can’t do something right, don’t bother to get started.  I can’t, so I won’t.	Do the best you can, and leave the results to God.  We can, and we will.
Why do something you don’t want to do?   Wait until you feel like it.	If it’s important enough, find time for it today, and put your heart into it.
When I feel threatened or insignificant, it only makes sense to hunker down and chill.	When I’m down on myself, I refocus on my purpose, and start living for it.
Apathy asks, Who cares?,  and What difference does it make?	Passion flows from thinking through to find good answers to those questions.
Lethargy avoids and laments work, thinking it takes time and energy away from rest and play.	Enthusiasm realizes work, rest, and recreation can all empower each other.
Procrastination wastes time by believing we’ll always have plenty of time later on.	Opportunity says time is short, so let’s make the best of it:  carpe diem!
Depression sees talent and opportunity as curses, or even temptations from a critical, punishing God.	Hope sees these as blessings, gifts from a loving, generous, helpful God.
Burn-out sees my work as economic necessity, an exhausting bondage to my controlling boss.	Zest sees my employment as voluntary service to my boss and those we serve.
Passivity believes that exercise is too painful, and might injure me.	Activity believes being sedentary is too painful, and it will injure me.
Every investment of my limited time and energy leaves me with less.	When I put first things first, I have better focus and drive for other things too.

Natural, Flesh Habits with Vitality	Inspired Habits with Vitality
Taking pleasure in mooching off others, getting others to do things for us	Taking pride in taking good care of myself and other people
I love being entertained by people doing athletic, charming, dramatic, and exciting things.	I am growing my ability to do all those things in my own life.
I enjoy relaxing, especially when I avoid unpleasant relationships and responsibilities.	I relax as a part of enjoying my active responsibilities and relationships.
I’m often tired and distracted before the day even starts.	I’m often full of energy and focus, even when I come home after a long day.
I’m often seeking my own happiness in selfish pleasures, right now in the short run.	I’m often trying to create the good life for myself and others, down the road.
My life feels like a treadmill, staying busy, multi-tasking to look like I’m getting things done.	I leave myself free time to be spontaneous and focused on one thing at a time.
I enjoy imagining how passive, residual income can help me retire completely from work at a young age.	The good I do for others means as much to me as money I make for my family.
My best friends are the ones who share my interests and passions for my leisure life.	My best friends are the ones who work hard to leave the world a better place.
Most of my hopes and prayers are for things to go my way, to go better for me and my loved ones.	Most of my hopes are for me to go God’s way, so God blesses me and others.
Other people find it sickening the way I work, rest, and play.	My habits of work, rest, and play leave behind a healthy footprint of wellbeing.

         The key to having more time and energy is the enthusiastic pursuit of a compelling purpose, one that makes the world a better place for both others and ourselves.  We all need to believe that God inspires us into a life with healthier experiences that only grow in us as we give them away.  The ideal higher power for this purpose is the indwelling God of love, joy, and peace, forever providing wellsprings of enthusiasm for life, both within and around us.  These are our fountains of youth.

Parenting Tips

RAISING CHILDREN WHO AREN’T LAZY:

TEACHING  STEWARDSHIP  OF TIME AND TALENT

Laziness steals from people.  It takes away their time, energy, optimism, confidence, spontaneity, joy, mental focus, and their zest for life.  In return, it leaves them with more depression, boredom, discouragement, and addictions.  It damages life for everyone around them. 

Children naturally make excuses for their laziness.  Most parents don’t want lazy children, but they often believe these excuses, and start doing their kids’ homework or chores for them.  Instead, you can teach your children that everyone’s opportunities and abilities are invisible gifts from their creator God.  Just as with visible gifts, the more time and energy your kids put into them, the more they will enjoy them.  Adults will enjoy them too:  they’ll coach up your children’s abilities, and give them more opportunities.

Children need their parents to model healthy attitudes and lifestyles, balancing work, rest, and recreation, celebrating how each is needed to enhance the others.  Let them see your work be a vocation that along with the money gives you joy, friendships, challenge, and fulfillment from helping others.

Preschool Years

If toddlers who can speak are indulged for whining, they won’t ever learn what they want, or how to ask for it.   This laziness stops when parents say “Don’t whine.  Use your words.  Ask me for what you need.”  And if whining continues, parents need to calmly yet firmly close a door between them, and stay disengaged until words are used appropriately.  This requires finding the peace and courage not to cave to your anxiety.  Preschoolers really want to please you, so tell them how proud and happy you are with every helpful, creative, and self-reliant thing they do.

Elementary School

Here are some verbal comebacks for children’s lazy behavior.  For their boredom:  “I enjoyed playing with you before, but I need to get back to work.  You can figure out what you need to do now.”  For procrastinating chores:  “The sooner you get started, the easier and more fun it will be.”  For fatigue:  “If you’re so tired, you can go to bed earlier tonight.”  Be consistent in giving them what their behavior says they need, not what their words demand.  More mature 10-year-olds can do chores for small allowances. 

Middle School

These are the best years to give your kids a work ethic and an attitude of stewardship.  Help them to see their talents, passions, and opportunities as gifts (see the second paragraph above).  Manage your own passions and opinions to show your children both love and respect (see the last paragraph below).  At this age many make professions of faith, and you doing these things helps them see God as a giver of abilities and opportunities who loves and challenges them.  Teach them that until they learn to use their time and talents to bless themselves and others, both now and down the road, they will be disappointed in this life and the next.   Teach them that money earned works the same way:  money that’s invested and shared with others will grow, and what’s indulged selfishly will never seem to be enough.

For young adolescent boredom, you could tell them to think of all the ways they could bless others and themselves right now.  For exhaustion, tell them that mental and physical exercise creates energy.  Too busy:  tell them to write down where all their time goes, and explain to you if they think the big chunks are really the most important.  Screen addictions:  tell them that their phone/video games have taken them away from life and other people.  You’ll give their screens back when they’ve learned to enjoy real life again.  Resentment for your discipline:  Tell them,“It’s not me you don’t like, it’s yourself.  You’ll like yourself better when you stop wasting your time and talent.” 

High School

Some verbal comebacks for boredom in late adolescence: “What you’re doing won’t be worth much, and it won’t be much fun for you either, until you put your heart, mind, body, and soul into it.”  Apathy:  “You say you don’t care, but deep down, we both know you do.”  Wanting to quit something important:  “Your family and best friends are proud of you for trying and learning new ways to make the world a better place for us all.”

In short, remember that when you respond to laziness by being tense, critical, or guilty, your children are downloading their negativity into you, and that only rewards it.  Instead, be calm, brief, and pleasant, and then disengage with a smile until they bring themselves out of it.  This is the best way to inspire and reward their enthusiasm for life.

PURPOSE 5

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GRACE 6

GRACE

Resentment vs. Peacemaking

HOW GOD’S MERCY and our ANGER CREATE PEACE 

Anger is the normal human response to injustice.  When faced with hurt, it guides and motivates our efforts to correct an unfair situation.  Its power is given to correct injustice.  When justice is seen through the eyes of divine love and mercy, the anger is God's, and it is a powerful force influencing others.  When the focus of our hurt is personal (our needs have been neglected, our pride has been hurt), we are walking in the flesh, so the most adaptive response is a turning to God for comfort and guidance.  Sadness and tears are often the outward expression.  When our expressions of grief (“I’m so sorry you feel that way”) meet with a cold heart and closed mind in others, then anger, having first broken open and cleansed our own souls, can do the same for others.  Here is how the morally neutral powers of mercy and anger can be harnessed to do good for the Kingdom of God.

UNGRACEFUL  INWARD RESPONSES TO ANGER   (Resentment)

Deny it, or bury it alive.   Eph 4:26

Run to God about something else, as an escape, like just going on to church or Bible study and acting like nothing is wrong.   Matt 5:23-24; Mark 11:25-26

Plan ways to get even.   Rom 12:17,18

GRACEFUL  INWARD RESPONSES TO ANGER   (Peacemaking)

Turn to God for help,  Psalms 39 and 56, and

. . .  for inner cleansing.  Psalm 51;  Matt 7:1-5.

Forgive others.  Matt 6:12-15;  Mt 18:21-35;  Eph 4:32;  Col 3:13

Pray for enemies, appealing to God's wrath:   Psalms 35 and 109, Matt 23

. . .  to God’s justice:  Psalms 28 and 37, and then

. . .  to God’s mercy:   Luke 6:27-8, 23:33-34

Decide if it is your anger (problem) or God's.     Romans 12:17-21

UNGRACEFUL  OUTWARD RESPONSES TO ANGER   (Resentment)

Speaking quickly without reflection            Prov 14: 17, 29;  29:11

Cursing   Rom 12:14,  James 1: 19-21

Gossip   Lev 19:16,  Rom 1: 28-9

Hostile, insulting criticism to the offender's face    Matt 5: 21-2

. . .  behind offender's back    II Cor 12:20

Getting even - paying back the hurt    Matt 5: 38-9,  Rom 12:19

GRACEFUL  OUTWARD RESPONSES TO ANGER   (Peacemaking)

Be kind to enemies.   I Sam 24: 1-22;  Prov. 25:21-22;  Matt 5: 38-47;  Rom 12: 19-20 

Take action to correct situation.  John 2: 13-17

Verbally confront the offender.   II Tim 2: 24-25;  Matt  23

Try to make peace, first one-to-one, then with one or two others to help resolve differences, then to church authority.   Mt 18: 15-20

The healing of the relationship comes from the new and deeper understanding of each other, which comes from really listening to each other, which comes from the power of Jesus' presence:   v. 20

Life Lessons

Resentment vs. Peacemaking

How God’s Mercy and our Anger Create Peace

Grace has an army of powerful cousins:  war, blame, hurt, pain, anger, and criticism.  They are all neutral resources.  We can choose whether we use them to fight for a more sickening world, or for a healthier one.  And either way we choose, we put out what we take in.   We become what we eat – garbage in, garbage out, and healthy in, healthy out.  We also reap what we sow.  Whatever we put out is going to grow and come back into us.  So let’s see how to make healthy choices with these issues, in both what we allow to impress us, and how we express ourselves.

In my parent-child relationships, past and present, and in all of life,

Do I remind to my loved ones of their limits, failures, and mistakes?

Or do I more often remind them of their best moments from the past, and their good potential for the future?

Do I see parents as having the power, authority, and responsibility for controlling children, teaching them by forceful consequences?

Or do I see parents more with the job of protecting and loving children, teaching more by modeling and realistic consequences?

With my siblings, peers, and friends, and in all of life,

Do I look for the faults of others, seeking ways to control them?

Or do I look primarily for my own faults, seeking ways I can grow in self-control?

Do I take things personally, believing my pain is what someone did to me?

Or do I avoid taking offense, by trying to accept that people are who they are?

With my beloved, my mate, my most significant other, and in all of life,

Do I mostly absorb anger and injustice in public, so that I naturally discharge it in private at home with my partner?

Or do I mostly discharge my anger in public, and direct it against others who would threaten my loving partnership at home?

Do I save my anger up for when I see the other person hurting me, to discharge it so I can get even?

Or do I express anger carefully and constructively, when I see the other person hurting themselves or others?

In my online interactions with the public, and in all of life,

With the social media, news feeds, music, movies, TV, and video games I prefer,

Do I take in information and experiences that inspire hate, violence, and slander?

Or do I take in things that inspire mercy, grace, forgiveness, civility, and patience?

Do I fight for divisiveness and revenge, to get more power for my people?

Or do I fight for peace and justice for all people?

When I express myself in public through phone, text, or social media,

Do I mostly point out the faults and mistakes of others?

Or do I draw the attention of others to healthy people, groups, choices, and experiences?

Do I mostly point out what makes us all fear and hate each other (our differences)?

Or do I mostly point out what makes us all human (our similarities)?

In all my relationships, when I feel enmeshed with someone, or estranged from them,

Do I use anger to push us together or apart?

Or do I use it to fight for a healthier, reconciled relationship, with healthier boundaries?

When I have power struggles and disagreements,

Do I seek to get my way (fighting for this against that, so I will either win or lose)?

Or do I seek a better way for all concerned (for both this way and that, so we can both win something)?

When I feel hurt or offended by someone,

Do I react quickly, to relieve and decompress myself, to comfort myself?

Or do I react slowly, so I can figure out how relieve, comfort, and decompress the relationship?

When I see someone else being mean and hateful,

Do I lash out at their behavior, and criticize their motive or character?

Or do I show anger at merely their behavior, and show love for who they really are in most other situations?

Parenting Tips

ISSUES OF GRACE AND FAIRNESS

IN RAISING HEALTHY CHILDREN        

I find most children at times blow a gasket when they believe their parents are being unfair to them -- as if the child and parent could agree on what’s impartial!  Why do the words “That’s not fair!” make us all so furious?  Anger is the normal, adaptive response to something that doesn’t seem fair. 

So what would be a practical, understandable definition of what’s fair?   Let’s define fair as what does the most good and the least harm to everyone in the long run.  In this view, anger isn’t good or bad.  It’s not sick or healthy.  It all depends on whether it’s used to fight for something that benefits more people.  And we all need mercy, so when punishing mistakes, we need to communicate the terms and reasons for this punishment in merciful ways.

Healthy anger fights for everybody to have a decent shot at the good life, the honest and kind life that everybody needs, that money can’t buy.  A healthy expression of anger draws all of our attention to an injustice, and motivates us all to look for solutions that benefit everyone.

Before our children are teenagers, we need to be careful not to reward their selfish, demanding expressions of anger by giving into them.  The tantrums of 6-year-olds may seem harmless or entertaining.  But when 16-year-olds think they know what’s best and can’t make it happen, they explode, and a 16-year-old’s tantrum can really hurt a lot of people.  So let’s don’t indulge children’s tantrums, screaming, threats, or harsh criticisms by trying to appease them.  That just uses up a lot of tomorrow’s peace to buy a little bit for today. 

And best not go the other way, by cutting down your child.  Better to ask children what’s wrong in a given situation, what they want, what they think would be more fair to themselves and others, what solutions to conflict would be more beneficial for everybody, both now and later on. 

Best to be slow to feed your children answers to these difficult questions.  Continuing to ask questions draws out better and better answers, and teaches them to use their heads and hearts to solve problems.  They need you to do nothing for them until they come up with something, something better for everyone.  And you’ll need to keep on doing this when they are older.

Here are some other facts for you to believe, teach, and model for teenagers:

• Anger can work for or against a relationship:  it can build either a bond or a barrier between us.
• If you don’t talk your anger out with others, you will take it out on others, or on yourself.
• Anger held inside too long becomes self-hatred, bitterness, and depression, which isn’t fair to you.
• Abused children tend to abuse their own children later, unless they get healing.  Otherwise,          “hurt people hurt people.”
• With social media, if you take in anger and injustice, then you will send out that same anger and unfairness.  In a continuous spiral up or down, online, we become what we eat.
• The selfish anger and unfairness you put out against others will come back to haunt you.  We reap what we sow.  [That goes for us parents too:  if we use anger to control our children, especially to make our lives better at their expense, they will use their anger to control and take advantage of us.]

Healthy Expressions of Grace and Anger

• Use news and social media filters to build bridges with healthy people, not to wall them out.
• Choose role models that neither harm themselves nor other people.
• Privately decompress myself and soothe my anger so I won’t vomit it later out onto others.
• To avoid the “stuff and blow” cycle, use pressure valves to talk out my feelings about what’s fair.
• Don’t use anger to make war (I win or lose), but to fight for peace (see how we can all win).
• Instead of getting even with one who hurt me, I’ll get better -- a life well lived is the best revenge.
• Be angry at unfair choices, but not at the people who make them:  love the sinner and hate the sin.
• “I hate to see you [do that] to [yourself/this family/our relationship].  Why don’t you [do this] instead?”

Responses like these require mercy, forgiveness.  We can’t usually give that until we receive it, from somewhere.  We can’t receive it until we ask for it, and then receive it by forgiving ourselves.  After that, the more we give mercy, the more we can receive it, and the more of it we can keep giving.  Maybe time to prime that forgiveness pump?  Rather than asking people we have hurt to give it to us, wouldn’t it work better to ask for grace from those who seem to have plenty to give?  Forgiven people are forgivin’ people.

In life, and in every healthy family, there must be a place for anger and blame, and also for expressions of  for resolutions that help us all find a better life. 

GRACE  6

---

LOVEMAKING  7

LOVEMAKING

Lust vs. Sexual Integrity

HARNESSING THE POWERS OF SEX AND

ROMANCE TO KNOW GENUINE INTIMACY

The Bible gives in rich detail how life unfolds for people who fall into sexual sin.  It was pure visual seduction for David when he laid eyes on his neighbor’s wife Bathsheba (2 Sam 11). His heart followed his eyes in violating the 10^th commandment, and in short order that act stimulated violations of the 9^th (lying), 8^th (stealing), 7^th (adultery), and when these couldn’t be covered up, he went on and broke the 6^th by murdering her husband.  Previously a virtuous man, he quickly broke half the ten commandments, and it all started with his eyes.  For her infidelity, Bathsheba may have gotten a palatial upgrade on her residence, but she had to endure her lover’s murder of her dear husband, feel his remorse expressed publicly in the hit song of its day (Psalm 51), and then like David and other adulterers, watch helplessly as their children and step-children lived out the generational after-effects over the years to come:  rape, incest, violence, job loss, family disintegration, etc. (1Kings 11:1-4).  What does David’s story tell you about yourself?   About God? 

We see many successful lives turned around through repentance, confession, and obedient forsaking of sexual sin.  David shows us the way in Psalm 51, and several women in Jesus’ life followed it -- the one at the well in John 4, the one weeping for the joy of her forgiveness and cleansing at the house of Simon the Pharisee (Luke 7), and the one caught in the act of adultery, about to be stoned for it (John 8). 

To prevent or to break bondage to sexual sin, it is necessary to guard what comes into the mind  (Phil 4:8) and heart (Pr 4:23), through the eyes (Mt 5:28-9), through what we touch (v.30), so that unclean acts do not come out from our bodies (Mt 15:18-19), so we and others are not perverted and ruined by the words coming out of our mouths (James 5:5-6), or by what we join our souls to as we unite in sexual embrace (1 Cor 6:15-20).   This robs our spouse of what belongs to her (1Cor 7:3-5).   You check the doors of your house every night to keep your family safe. What good would it do to check every day your mind gate, heart gate, eye gate, ear gate, skin gate, mouth gate, groin gate, to keep good in and bad out? 

Computer porn and cheat chat smells badly of  “all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the pride of life” (1 Jo 2:16).  We find the strength to avoid all this from our God, embodied in the Holy Spirit (John 14-16) poured out through the church/fellowship of believers (Eph 2:18-21, 4:4-6), the word of God (Heb 4:12-13, 2Tim 3:16-17), friends (John 15:15), people we help (Mt 25:37-40), and small support groups (Mt 18:20).   Is your God able to come to you through all these channels, or have you tired some of God’s blessing arms behind him?

 

Single Adult Longing for Sexual Intimacy

God has made our souls to long for this from the first kicking in of our adolescent bonding juices.  We crave a lonely longing to be both known and loved by someone, at least in the flesh if not also in the spirit.  Only the loving intimacy of the whole person will satisfy this, and only God can provide it for us.  How does a single adult or teenager find this?

For young people, it starts with the simultaneous experience of vulnerability and safety.  The apostle Paul felt that people could be closer to God and to those they loved if they were not burdened with a spouse and children at home (see his extremely personal confession in the entire seventh chapter of his first letter to the Corinthians).  There is obvious truth in this, and all of God’s children are offered special moments of intimacy.  If we expect to find these moments only or always in any special human love relationship, we are risking idolatry.  Most of what is said below about genuine intimacy applies to celibate singles as well as married people.  It does not however apply to having sexual intercourse outside of marriage, or even dreaming about it in “emotional affairs” (see Matthew 5: 27-30).

God wants us to experience intimate oneness with Him.  The Bible repeatedly illustrates God’s accessibility and our mutual longing for each other by comparing this love to the marital relationship.  Likewise, the parent-child relationship shows God’s authority, and our personal dependence on Him (our Old Testament standing).  How does this happen?

God’s first invitation to intimacy with Him is offering us experiences of our utter dependency on Him.  He calls us into a close parent-child bond.  From Jesus’ words in Matt. 23:37 and Luke 13:34, Jesus sometimes felt this as more of a Mother-child bond.  We all know the parable of the prodigal son, and how Jesus taught us to address God as “our Father” in the Lord’s prayer.  Jesus here was using an old teaching from the Torah (the fifth commandment), from the psalmist (Psalms 2:7), and from the psalmist’s son, the moral teacher Solomon (Proverbs 22: 6, 23: 13, 31: 28).  It was later picked up by the prophets (see Isaiah 1: 2-4 and Hosea 11: 1-4), and after Jesus, in the epistles (Rom. 8: 14-16, Heb. 12: 5-7, and especially Eph. 6: 1-4, and Col. 3: 20-21). 

Yet biblical teachings about finding God in intimacy are just as prominent, and usually even provided by the same authors.  Through Moses in the Old Testament, God told his people early on that His love for them burns with jealousy (Ex. 20:5, Dt. 5: 9).  He protected marriage with its own commandment, and part of the tenth.  This longing for God was big for David (Ps. 42 and 63), and for Solomon (the entire Song of Solomon).  Later, using courtship and marriage to illustrate our relationship with God was a strong theme with the prophets (see Isaiah 62:5 and the whole book of Hosea). 

In the New Testament, our Lord called Himself the Bridegroom to demonstrate how God and people longingly seek each other.  Jesus portrayed himself as coming to marry the church in two of his parables found in Matthew, Mark, and John.  Following Jesus, Paul emphasizes the value of healthy intimacy (Eph 5: 22-33; Col 3: 18-19), comparing husband and wife to Christ and the church, and elevating this issue to the importance of “a profound mystery” (Eph. 5: 32).  So they would be good role models as parents and seekers of God, elders are first of all required to be good at the husband-wife relationship (I Tim. 3:2).

When we can be naked and transparent with God, physically and emotionally, with no shame, loneliness, or lust, we don’t want to lose that by accepting some cheap substitute sexual intimacy.  Our souls and our savior can both hold our sexually selfish and impatient bodies and hearts.

Life Lessons

Lust vs. Sexual Integrity

HARNESSING THE POWERS OF SEX AND

ROMANCE TO KNOW GENUINE INTIMACY

Sexual activity has a strong effect upon the brain, much like taking a drink of alcohol has.  Both activities set off a cocktail of cerebral hormones that pleasure our bodies, loosen up our inhibitions, and flood us with a strong sense of well-being.

These effects are widely known, but a fourth one is more important, and seldom talked about.  We develop a strong attraction to whoever and whatever we are experiencing alongside sex, and over time, we develop a strong bond with them.  It’s what the Bible calls “becoming one flesh,” and it happens automatically, subconsciously.  Many doubt this is true, and few understand how this bonding occurs.

The process of classical conditioning was discovered, named, and famously demonstrated by Dr. Ivan Pavlov with his dogs.  When he rang a bell right before they were fed, they soon started salivating and getting excited at the sound of the bell, no matter when it rang.  They came to desire and bond with the bell, a previously “neutral stimulus,” because it seemed to bring them all the wonders associated with the highlight of their day.  We come to desire and bond with whoever we drink with.  In the same way, and even moreso, we come to desire and bond with whoever we have sex with.  We long to connect ourselves to whatever or whoever we believe to be the source of our sexual enjoyment.  

From adolescence on, whether we have known it or not, we have been responsible for choosing who and what we bond with sexually.  When it comes to sex, we are all dogs.  But we are all Dr. Pavlov too!  Our bodies are dogs, and our souls are their trainers.  Through classically conditioning ourselves, with virtually none of us being told about it, we have trained ourselves to desire and bond with whatever people, mindsets, and situations we have allowed to stimulate our sexual activity.  Most of the popular choices for sexual stimulation today are unhealthy ones, as they bring people over time more sickness than wellness. 

For example, our culture teaches us to separate sex from spirituality, and to experience sex more like animals do.  “Purely natural, spontaneous” sex allows only other physical instincts into awareness.  When we shut everything else out of our sex life except our animal instincts, our sexual experience will include some sickening fruits of the flesh.  These often include deception, shame, fear, and of course lust -- bonding with and idolizing the object of our sexual desire.  This poisons our wellbeing by increasing our appetites for other sickening mindsets and lifestyles.  For example, without believing that we can revise and redirect our desires, we come to believe that we can’t be satisfied without getting what we desire, as if we were animals.  We can teach ourselves to enjoy both the desire itself, and its fulfillment—waiting can be fun.

Have you ever thought about retraining yourself to use your sexuality to help yourself desire and bond with a loving creator, and with healthier fruits of the spirit (listed in bold below)?  Thirty centuries of religious teaching has taught this, validated by other wisdom streams from philosophy, science, and common sense.  All these have taught us that things like honesty, trust, humility, compassion, peacemaking, resourcefulness, enthusiasm, and physical fitness are aspects of both sexual and personal integrity.  Only when we have personal integrity, when we are independently comfortable in our own skin, can we experience relational integrity, with God and with a loved one. 

The four wisdom streams just mentioned have warned us not to waste our sexuality on recreational pleasures, or escapes from responsibility, relationship, and reality.  Sadly, those experiences are more available to us in our youth than are romantic relationships with a healthy partner.  By contrast, wisdom teaches us to save our sexuality for later, using it to celebrate and consummate our loyalty and intimate companionship with a healthy life partner in marriage.  We will need all those magnetic and healing powers of our sexuality when we forge a life partnership with another person, in marriage.  Way more than some private recreational pleasure, marriage does a great deal more good for more people in the long run, including current and future spouses and children.  It encourages us not to regard the beloved as a source of all that is good, but rather as a resource, a channel who can merely share things they are receiving.  Only by seeing a love relationship this way can we experience any partnership gratefully, as a gift from God. 

Below are contrasting mindsets and habits that will produce more illness or wellness in people, depending on how they use the neutral resources of sexual (and gender) identity, style, and orientation:

Popular Beliefs and Lifestyles	Godly Beliefs and Lifestyles
Gender orientation and style are genetically fixed.	We can train ourselves to enjoy new choices, ask for help.
After 12 or 13, we all need sexual activity/release.	Abstinence shows us sex is a tamable desire, not a need.
Singles have a sexual pin code that turns them on.	Maybe not yet:  keeping a mystique online attracts wellness.
Forbidden fruit is extra tasty, exciting, rewarding.	Violating trust in a nonsexual relationship harms like incest.
Erotic, seductive sex is hotter, so go for it now!	Only in committed marriage will erotic heat not burn us.
Paying for sex keeps it safe, automatic, impersonal.	Any money exchange in sex objectifies all its participants.
Sex is most exciting when it goes wild without limits.	Being free within limits protects, grows us, and our freedoms.
Sex gives relief from boredom, loneliness, and shame.	For a short while, but then they come back harder than ever.
My body image improves when people are attracted to me, so posting my attractive pictures helps that.	My image of my body depends on what I believe about it, how I treat it, and how I allow others to see and treat it.
Showing our bodies online builds self-esteem, as the more likes you get, the more you like yourself.	Going public with our private parts lets them be passed around by abusive trolls who use and degrade us, in public.
Sharing our bodies sexually is how we create love, because without sex, love can’t be real or lasting.	By saving full sex and nudity for fully committed marriage, we’ll feel more safe, special, beautiful every year we live.
Hungry love seeks to consume experiences of love, affection, beauty, and desire, but it cheapens them.	Healthy love shares experiences of love, affection, beauty, and desire for each other, celebrating and protecting them.
Love will make you lose control, obsess, have mood swings, tolerate pain, and rationalize idolizing, deceiving, and being dependent on each other [all qualities of addictions].	Healthy sexual love inspires in both parties’ personal growth of freedom, calm, honesty, gratitude, spiritual depth, loyalty, self-confidence, support, awareness of beauty, and balancing safety and risk [all qualities of personal integrity].

Single Adult Longing for Sexual Intimacy

God has made our souls to long for this from the first kicking in of our adolescent bonding juices.  We crave a lonely longing to be both known and loved by someone, at least in the flesh if not also in the spirit.  Only the loving intimacy of the whole person will satisfy this, and only God can provide it for us.  How does a single adult or teenager find this?

For young people, it starts with the simultaneous experience of vulnerability and safety.  The apostle Paul felt that people could be closer to God and to those they loved if they were not burdened with a spouse and children at home (see his extremely personal confession in the entire seventh chapter of his first letter to the Corinthians).  There is obvious truth in this, and all of God’s children are offered special moments of intimacy.  If we expect to find these moments only or always in any special human love relationship, we are risking idolatry.  Most of what is said below about genuine intimacy applies to celibate singles as well as married people.  It does not however apply to having sexual intercourse outside of marriage, or even dreaming about it in “emotional affairs” (see Matthew 5: 27-30).

God wants us to experience intimate oneness with Him.  The Bible repeatedly illustrates God’s accessibility and our mutual longing for each other by comparing this love to the marital relationship.  Likewise, the parent-child relationship shows God’s authority, and our personal dependence on Him (our Old Testament standing).  How does this happen?

God’s first invitation to intimacy with Him is offering us experiences of our utter dependency on Him.  He calls us into a close parent-child bond.  From Jesus’ words in Matt. 23:37 and Luke 13:34, Jesus sometimes felt this as more of a Mother-child bond.  We all know the parable of the prodigal son, and how Jesus taught us to address God as “our Father” in the Lord’s prayer.  Jesus here was using an old teaching from the Torah (the fifth commandment), from the psalmist (Psalms 2:7), and from the psalmist’s son, the moral teacher Solomon (Proverbs 22: 6, 23: 13, 31: 28).  It was later picked up by the prophets (see Isaiah 1: 2-4 and Hosea 11: 1-4), and after Jesus, in the epistles (Rom. 8: 14-16, Heb. 12: 5-7, and especially Eph. 6: 1-4, and Col. 3: 20-21). 

Yet biblical teachings about finding God in intimacy are just as prominent, and usually even provided by the same authors.  Through Moses in the Old Testament, God told his people early on that His love for them burns with jealousy (Ex. 20:5, Dt. 5: 9).  He protected marriage with its own commandment, and part of the tenth.  This longing for God was big for David (Ps. 42 and 63), and for Solomon (the entire Song of Solomon).  Later, using courtship and marriage to illustrate our relationship with God was a strong theme with the prophets (see Isaiah 62:5 and the whole book of Hosea). 

In the New Testament, our Lord called Himself the Bridegroom to demonstrate how God and people longingly seek each other.  Jesus portrayed himself as coming to marry the church in two of his parables found in Matthew, Mark, and John.  Following Jesus, Paul emphasizes the value of healthy intimacy (Eph 5: 22-33; Col 3: 18-19), comparing husband and wife to Christ and the church, and elevating this issue to the importance of “a profound mystery” (Eph. 5: 32).  So they would be good role models as parents and seekers of God, elders are first of all required to be good at the husband-wife relationship (I Tim. 3:2).

When we can be naked and transparent with God, physically and emotionally, with no shame, loneliness, or lust, we don’t want to lose that by accepting some cheap substitute sexual intimacy.  Our souls and our savior can both hold our sexually selfish and impatient bodies and hearts.

USING YOUR OWN BODY AND ITS SEXUAL

ENERGY TO GLORIFY GOD IN YOUR MARRIAGE

It helps married couples to see that your marriage as a third person living in the house, who can take care of you both if you take care of it.  Just like a person, a healthy marriage needs to be fed all nine of the core needs for personal well-being:  truth, peace, respect, love, mercy, money, purpose, physical health, and the sexuality of both parties.  The sexual feedings of a marriage can and should warm you both.  You can see your sex life as a nice warm fire that warms both of you during cold times.  For it to warm you, you have to feed the fire.  Putting healthy sexual beliefs and behaviors into your marriage is like putting logs on a fire.  It warms not only the couple, but everyone who comes in to visit with them.

Sexual communications need to be given in just a few words, with a voice that’s slow, low, and warm, with eye contact and a gentle touch of your hand.  “Would you please…” or “I need…”  don’t work nearly as well as “How would you like to…”, “Come on, let’s…”, “I would like to…”, or “How about we….”  The key is to give these invitations to the marriage, for both your sakes, not just for the mate.  You do it to feel better about yourself at the end of the day.  If it works, if your mate responds in kind with an unconditional gift of him/herself, that’s just icing on the cake.  If it doesn’t, neither body is fed, but your soul gets to eat the cake.  And you can end that part of the day by pleasuring and appreciating yourself in some ways you don’t have to lie or feel guilty about, like reading something fun, listening to music, or watching something you love on TV.  You can reframe the disappointment of a rejection you may have come to expect, so it feels better to you:

You can pre-authorize your gift of affection.  Don’t expect your mate to make you feel like a good enough man or woman.  You get that from your same-sex friends, from counseling, from prayer or meditation.  You bring affirmation to your mate instead of taking it from them.  Declaring a free dividend with no strings attached, you are showing both of you what a great mate and person you are.

You can reverse your 2’s and 4’s:  See your mate as not doing something to you, but for him/herself:  consider them as feeding their self-protective, self-comforting self, instead of feeding the marriage.  Then you can reverse the 2’s and 4’s for yourself:  Instead of giving a mindset of rejection to yourself, feed your caretaking self, by realizing your invitation did something for both the marriage and yourself. 

You can take charge of your beliefs and behavior:  Sure, your matecan hurt your feelings for a few minutes, but you can get over feeling hurt by changing how you see and treat both yourself and your mate.  Keep your offer open until the end of that segment of the day:  getting out of bed in the AM, breakfast, lunch, supper, or bedtime:  “Well, if you change your mind, I’ll be in my chair, enjoying my [book, music, TV, screentime, etc.] until [bedtime, breakfast, etc.].”  You warm yourself by the log you threw on, and if your mate follows suit before it burns out, there’ll be enough fire to warm you both.

Use the sadness of disappointment as a bond instead of a barrier.  At the next segment of the day, like tomorrow morning, for breakfast, or after breakfast before one of you gets busy, you can stand before your mate, giving eye contact with a smile, and in a slow, warm, gentle voice, say “I missed you [this morning] when you didn’t come get into the marriage with me. Did you miss me too?”  Holding out your arms just a little bit offering a hug gives another opportunity for a positive connection.  If even that free gift is rejected, be good to yourself in acceptable ways. You have left the ball in their court.  This kind of unconditional love heaps burning coals on their head.  It works as a positive guilt trip without words. 

If your mate doesn’t respond in kind to your invite, the one thing you don’t do is to shut down, go off in a huff, and freeze your mate out for a few hours or days. That just hurts the marriage.  That justifies their rejection and prolongs your hurt.  If you’re still mad, remember that a life well lived is the best revenge for sure.

Parenting Tips

GUIDING ADOLESCENTS INTO FRUITFUL EXPERIENCES

OF THEIR SEXUALITY, ROMANCE, AND GENDER

Let’s define healthy as what does the most good and the least harm to the most people in the long run.  By this definition, here are some beliefs about healthy Love, Sex, and Gender which teenagers don’t often believe to be true, but which most of them will realize as true when they’re a generation older:

1. Like money, anger, and nuclear energy, sexual energy/desire is not good or bad – its effect depends on what you use it for.
2. Compared to promiscuity and cheating, fidelity, and monogamy lead to more honest, stable, loving, healthy lives.
3. Using sex for mutual fun and pleasure benefits only two people, and only in the short run.
4. Using sex for power, domination, and one person’s greater pleasure is very unhealthy.
5. Opposites attract throughout nature, adding energy, creativity, strength, and inspiration.
6. Attraction to people for how similar they are to ourselves will fade over time as we grow, and will turn into attraction to the new and different.
7. In mate selection, choosing people with different gifts, interests, skills, and temperament is more difficult at first, and more beneficial as time goes on.
8. Choosing people with similar values and beliefs gives less chemistry at first, but enables a couple to partner better in working toward common goals; the chemistry can bloom later and last longer.

Many personal problems are easier to solve within a relationship if the solutions were practiced by both parties beforehand.  A healthy love relationship needs to partner with outside help to solve problems like these:

• Seeing yourself as trapped or helpless, or as a permanent victim of anything
• Idolizing any created person or thing as a source for your identity, security, or wellbeing
• Seeing any aspect of yourself as unable to grow, change, or improve
• Publicizing online sexual things that happened in private
• Expressing yourself sexually (with someone or online) before becoming mostly self-sufficient 
• Falling in love with someone who disrespects, idealizes, lies to, or depends on you
• Comparing your body to others, and wishing it looked more like somebody else’s
• Believing that to be healthy, you must receive regular orgasms from someone or yourself
• Expecting someone else to make you feel good enough to feel comfortable in your own skin

If your teenager wants you to bless or approve a love relationship, you need to ask them how they would solve these problems if they resurface in the relationship.  If their solutions involve no outside help, you can ask:  how would you know if your love relationship made you lose interest in what you need to solve problems like this?  What would you do about it?  Have you two discussed this?

General Guidelines for Parents

Until your children are 21, have been living stably and responsibly out of the home, and are on their own financially, you can use these guidelines for your conversations.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.  Until they know you care, they won’t care what you know or want.

Acknowledge and appreciate their feelings, thoughts, beliefs, values, decisions, and even public confessions of who they are, but you do not need to say whether you agree, will support, or feel good about them.  You respect their privacy, and you respect your own privacy as well. 

When they say they are sure they won’t change their mind and heart and will on this matter, it is OK to say, “Your mind, heart, and life become bigger each year, and each year you have new things to bring to this (gender identity/love relationship/etc.). The longer you wait to promise yourself you won’t change your lifestyle, the better you will get along with yourself down the road.”

Finally, respect that these issues of romance, sex, and gender are very personal.  So have been all the other eight issues written about here:  truth, safety, respect, caring, mercy, money, purpose, and health.  Talking about personal things works better when we try not to be preachy or pushy with our children, or with our grandchildren.  We can push questions, but not so much answers.  Let’s give ways for trust to be earned.  In this spirit, you and your family can make a few healthier choices down the road. 

LOVEMAKING  7

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WEALTH  8

WEALTH

Greed vs. Stewardship

The Use of Money and Material Things

What is Greed,

and what are its Consequences?

The love of money, for the pleasure it buys:  Ecc 5: 10-14; Luke 16: 13-14; 1 Tim 6: 7-10; Heb 13: 5

Believing we can find security in money:   Ex 20: 17; Prov 11: 28; Luke 12: 15-21; Luke 18: 18-23

Closing our eyes and hardening hearts to those in need:    Deut 15: 7-11    Prov 28: 27

Incurring the punishing wrath of God:  Isaiah 10: 1-2     

What is Resourcefulness,

and What Good Will it Do for us?

Tithing – setting aside the first fruits to acknowledge God’s ownership:  Prov 3: 9-10; Malachi 3: 8-10;  Matt 6: 19-21

Generous giving to others:   Prov 11:25, 19:4;  Prov 28:27; Luke 6: 35-38;  Acts 20: 35

Appreciating what it’s like to be poor:   Matt 6: 1-4;  Luke 14: 12-14;  Luke 16: 19-31;  I Cor 13:3;  I John 3: 16-17

Having the less fortunate over for dinner:   Luke 14: 12-14;  James 2: 1-16

Living simply, appreciating the free things of life:  Matt 6: 31-33; Phil 4: 11-12

What are the Advantages and Dangers

of being Rich?   of being Poor?

What are the advantages of wealth?   Prov 14: 20-24;  Ecc 5: 19-20

What are the dangers and warnings of wealth?   Jer 5: 27-29, 9:23;  Luke 18: 24-27

Are wealthy people more likely to be spiritually poor (greedy)?  Yes . . .               

      I Tim 6: 17-19 ; Luke 18: 18-23;  Luke 6: 20-21;  Luke 6: 24-25

Why is that?    Matt 6: 19-21

What is “the deceitfulness of riches”?   Deut 8: 7-14, and 17-18 

(God and spirituality are forgotten.)   Matt 13:22;  Luke 12: 15-21

What are the disadvantages of poverty?        Prov 19: 6-7

What is an advantage of poverty?      (None practically, but God will deliver them)    

Life Lessons

 Greed vs. Stewardship

Balance your Spending, Saving, Sharing, and Simplicity

You love people, and use money for stuff, don’t you?  But how often do you love money, and use people for stuff?  Most family breadwinners think they work to support family life.  But does your family at home experience you living for your work, and bringing home to them the burned-out left-overs of your life?  We all like to think we are investing our money in what’s most important, that our budget accurately reflects what our hearts care most about. 

We like to think we’ve made sure that our treasure just follows our hearts.  But Jesus was correct in teaching us that the reverse is also true.  Our hearts do follow our treasures, so we need to follow the money too.  We all need to examine where our dollars are taking our minds and hearts, and with them, our marriages and children.  If we ask them, will they believe we are supporting healthy endeavors out there?  Will we find they are proud of how they see our time and money leaving the world a better place for all?   

Just like our checkbooks, our schedules need to be kept in balance too, so they both show what should be the priority of our private over our public life.  How can we tell? 

• Do we keep a good balance with saving and spending money?   Do we enjoy both? 
• Do we dread consumer debt enough to wait for things we want until we can pay for them up front? 
• How cluttered are our houses and our schedules? 
• Do we live simply enough that we enjoy sharing our homes and wallets with others in need? 
• Or do we keep too much stuff around our homes, and in our public lives, that we don’t invite the people who need us into our homes and lives? 
• Are we hiding some of our investments of time and money, deceiving our loved ones so we can avoid the pain required to change? 
• When I look at my five biggest monthly expenditures, how many of them can I see are being used to leave the world a better place?  Is the money creating life, or consuming more life than it creates?
• Is my deception so comprehensive that I try to get people at work to see me one way, and then try to act like I am somebody else when I get home? 
• Am I having trouble changing gears?   When work intrudes on my home life, or my family suddenly needs my attention during my work day, do I have trouble giving it to them? 
• If my disguises are wearing thin, do I even know who I am anymore, who I would be without these public and private roles, relationships, and responsibilities?

If all these questions are leading you to see laziness and selfishness in your life that don’t seem to square with your ideals, what could be causing this?  Most likely, it’s el greedo:  valuing your money and possessions more than your relationships with your family and friends.  When we provide for them, whether by earning money or spending it carefully on what they need, do we provide them with ourselves, our time, our minds, and our hearts?  When we protect them from harm, beyond safe housing and transportation, do we protect them from our worst words and choices, from their enemies, within and without?  Do we care for them enough to listen to what’s really happening in their lives, to hear how they feel about it, and what they need from us to feel safe?  Your spouse and children may want to tell you, “I don’t care what you know until I know that you care.  Show me you want to understand me, then I might want to understand what you’re trying to teach me.”

`           These are challenging questions that most people have been reluctant to look at very closely.  We usually don’t until something is really hurting and worrying us.  Below are contrasting mindsets and habits that will produce more illness or wellness in people, depending on how they use the neutral resources of money, and the services and possessions it can buy:

Sickening Beliefs and Lifestyles	Healthy Beliefs and Lifestyles
At month’s end, my credit cards aren’t paid off.	I wait for things, so I have no credit card debt.
Financially I support one or more adults who    should by now be able to support themselves.	When adult friends and family get themselves into    trouble, I give them of myself, and not much money.
There’s no will to carry out my wishes after I die.	My will will do much good after I die – I’m proud of it.
I use money to buy affection or avoid rejection.	I give acceptance and affection, which come back to me.
I spend on pain-killing escapes from reality.	I’ll pay money to help me embrace pain as a teacher.
I like people rich enough to waste money freely.	It really grieves me to be around money being wasted.
Buying new saves me time looking in storage.	I know and use what’s on hand before buying new.
When asked what I’m worth, I know what I have.	When asked what I’m worth, I realize that I’m priceless.
I lie at home about what I say and do at work;         I lie at work about what I say and do at home.	I don’t mind when family interrupts me at work, or vice-    versa:  as the same guy 24-7, I can change gears easily.
I have no healthy role model for managing money.	I have known a healthy role model for managing money.
I am paying out for my past sins of consuming.	I am saving money for my future consumer needs.
If it’s even real, I don’t care to know what’s    causing global warming, or what it’s causing.	For the sake of future generations of my family and my     planet, I am leaving a rather light carbon footprint.
I give my most delightful self to the public.	I enjoy my best moments with my family and friends.
I pray for God to help me make more money.	I ask God to show me better ways I can use His money.
I give or lend to those who will give back to me.	I enjoy giving anonymously to people in need.
I live to work; I expect my family to support it.	I work to live, expecting coworkers to support my family.
I’ve been accused of spoiling and enabling my    family by over-indulging, overprotecting them.	I’m slow to indulge or protect my family because I want    them to learn to enjoy work and solving their problems.

Healthy lifestyle choices are facilitated by believing that our money and possessions are not ours at all, but that they belong to God.  We are just passing through, and we will have growing gratitude now and later on if we are good stewards now of what has been entrusted to us.

Parenting Tips

RAISING CHILDREN TO

BE GOOD WITH MONEY

For a child or an adult, financial wellbeing means using money and loving people, not vice-versa.  It’s having peace of mind about money and possessions.  It’s believing that you have enough stuff/money, plus a little for sharing and saving.  Three lifestyle habits have proved to be most important for pulling this off: 

• Sharing:  giving generously to others in need, as well as to friends and family
• Simplicity:  keeping empty physical and visual spaces for others and for imagination, which makes it easier to enjoy the best things in life that money can’t buy, and
• Saving:  making things last, and saving some money for later.

            Now let’s look at ways to teach these habits to your children. 

Preschool  Years\

Starting when we are young, we need to learn four basic lessons about money and possessions:

• Give and take:  “It’s more fun if you share and take turns” (you get back what you give).
• Patience:  “You enjoy things more when you wait for them”  (entertain yourself while you wait).
• “Mine”?:  “It’s just yours for now”  (if you abuse it, you lose it).
• Authority:  “You don’t know what’s best for you, I do”  (it pays to respect people in charge).

To help your children learn, repeat these lessons aloud gently and often, smile and look them in the eye, control consequences consistently, and live by these lessons yourself.  If you struggle to practice what you preach, you can use yourself as a negative example.  Teach yourself lessons right out loud in front of them, and ask them to help teach you – they’ll love it!

Primary and pre-adolescent years

When children want or need to play with something, instead of fetching it for them, ask where it’s supposed to be, where they put it.  If they won’t or can’t find it, they have too much stuff.  It’s time to involve your child in giving some of their things to people less fortunate, people who would enjoy and take better care of them. 

When selfish, lazy kids whine for more toys, explain:  “There’s no room on the floor for more toys.  We buy you what you need.  Things you want come on Christmas and birthdays.  If you want something sooner, you can save your money and buy it for yourself.”  To teach them give and take, buy more things only for kids who share and put their toys away. 

Kids this age should be given an allowance, perhaps based how faithfully and cheerfully they do their chores.  You might give a dollar for every week of a child’s age, keeping their money for them in a safe but visible place. 

Middle and High School

As the age increases, so should the allowance and the responsibilities.  Now is a good time for them to begin giving to those less fortunate, through a local charity, church, or by giving anonymously to people they know, which you can help them do. 

Starting high school is a good time for them to start using savings accounts and debit cards that can’t overdraw.  Go over statements with your child every month, giving praise for good choices more than criticism for bad.  To dramatize how interest works, some parents add 1% to savings accounts after months when it they’ve increased.  Others open a mutual-fund account to show how fast that grows.  If they want more money, they can wash the car, wash windows, do supper, cut grass. 

Here are some lessons teenagers can learn:

• It’s fun save money to buy gifts for others (maybe give them matching funds here)
• Things we earn and save for give us more joy than things we beg for
• Budgeting assures our money isn’t wasted, and is spent on what’s most rewarding
• Interest works for the saver and against the borrower.

When adult children Move Out, or Move Back In

After age 18, if they move out and responsibly pursue college or the military, it won’t hurt to pay part or maybe all of their expenses for car, insurance, tuition, food, and lodging.  Let them know you will withdraw this support for bad grades, for not letting you see their grades, or for dropping out.  This gives them great incentive to continue learning financial responsibility. 

To come back home, an adult child (AC) would need to propose the purpose and terms for living with you, so no one gets taken advantage of.  Here are seven items to put into a contract:

Goals – specific goals for their own behavior.  Then for each goal,

Steps required – each action the AC needs to take. 

External threats – people, circumstances, developments that would threaten the goals. 

Internal threats – what habits, choices and attitudes of the AC could undermine each goal? 

Internal assets – needed skills, knowledge, qualities, resumes, references required, and how to get these.

Budget of expenses – chores done can be compensated. Save the rent to give back when they leave.

Signatures and witnesses – treat the final agreement as terms of a mutually binding contract. 

Finally for all ages, if your children won’t listen or learn these things from you, ask them who they would listen to.  Then share and discuss this article with a person they would believe.     

WEALTH  8

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TRUTH  9

TRUTH

Deceit vs. Honesty

BLESSINGS THAT COME

TO THE HONEST PERSON

Those with a pure heart who aren’t deceitful will walk closer with God.   Psalms 24: 3-5

Lies are soon exposed, but truthful words stand the test of time.   Prov. 12:19        

Know the truth about yourself and the world, and God will set you free.   John 8: 31-32

If we don’t deceive ourselves, and if we tell the truth about our faults, we receive not only forgiveness, but a cleansing, healing transformation.   I John 1: 8-9 

THE HIGH COST OF

DECEITFULNESS

Unless you seek to see the world regularly as God and others do, your vision will be blurred, and this will hinder your efforts to help others, God, or yourself.   Matt 7: 3-5

Today, lying would be likened to a cancer, or more likely, to a pandemic.  In the Bible, the most frequent images of lying are of spreading fire, and an arrow shot to kill.  The following points are taken mostly from    Proverbs 26: 18-28, Jeremiah 9: 3-9, and James 3: 2-8:

Beware spreading false rumors, accusations, or gossip throughout the land.  Exodus 23: 1

People can delight in lies, becoming two-faced, smiling through their teeth.   Psalm 62: 4    

Lies come back to haunt us: people won’t trust us anymore, and will lie back to us.   Eventually we begin to believe our own lies.  We fool others, and their reactions fool us into gradually believing that my false front is the real me.   II Timothy 3:13

Deceitfully smooth talkers will not live out half their days.   Ps 55: 21, 23

We lose touch with our need for God:  Through deceit they refuse to know me.   Jer 9: 6  

God will return the favor, and say that He does not know us.   Matt 7: 21-23

When we keep doing what we know is wrong, God gives us over to it.   Rom 1: 25-28

SATAN is closely linked with lying:  Jesus called him the Deceiver.   Matt 27:63,  John 8:33

FLATTERY is just another form of deceit.  It’s listed with wickedness.  When we flatter and when we find fault, we’re deceiving people to make ourselves feel better.   Ps 12: 2,3 Jude 16

RELIGIOUS HYPOCRISY can be an excuse to avoid church.  It ticked off Jesus, who went off about clean-looking cups and whitewashed tombs.    Matt 23: 25-28

Because so many today get all their news filtered for them by biased and often dishonest sources in social and traditional media, perhaps this prophesy is coming true in America now:  “For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine.  Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.  They will turn their ears away from the truth, and turn aside to myths.”   2 Tim 4: 3-4, NIV

Life Lessons

TRUTH

HOW AND WHY IT PAYS TO BE

HONEST AND TELL THE TRUTH

Denial: lying, breaking promises, denying one's limitations, lacking consensual reality	Honesty: telling the truth, keeping promises, lifelong learning, consistency in conduct
Denial brings   ~ Lying  ~ Cheating  ~ Delusions  ~ Two-facedness  ~ Closed mind   ~ Ignorance	Honesty brings   ~ Character  ~ Wisdom  ~ Curiosity ~ Common sense  ~ Truth-seeking  ~ Authenticity

QUESTIONS to ask about Honesty:

Would I rather others admire and fear me, or know and love me?    

Underneath all my highs and lows, who is the real me, my deep-down true self?  Who knows me like this?

Did my parents punish lying more or less than other misbehaviors?  Do I do the same?  Why, or why not?           

How has it made me feel when others lied to me to protect themselves, and said they did it to protect me? 

Is my mind closed about my beliefs, or do I keep looking for confirmation in different sources of truth?     

Have the things I most believe in stood the test of time?   Has history shown it endures, because it’s real?  

Most importantly, when I list the people and organizations I most trust to tell me what’s real and true, and when I look at the chart of what’s healthy and what’s sickening, how healthy are they?   

IMPORTANT BELIEFS

FOR BEING TRUTHFUL

My selfish self wants me to be comfortable and happy in the short run, not caring as much about others or the future.  My false self has to lie, to hide how selfish and small I am.  It doesn’t accept its limitations, so it’s often ill at ease.  My chameleon ego shows people who I think I am, instead of who they realize I am.  Instead of admitting my mistakes to earn back others’ trust that I’m being honest, my ego tries to get others to admit their mistakes, hoping they’ll try to earn back my trust.  It wastes a lot of time on things that matter only to me, and only for a short time.

My true self  sees and wants what’s best for everyone in the long run.  The real me can be myself at all times, which shows that I see others as we all are.  When I don’t fulfill a promise, instead of making excuses, I make amends:  I say I am sorry for making the wrong promise, and then make a better one that I am able to keep.  I was taught there are many sources of truth that will support and confirm each other, so I keep examining them.  They include science, the arts, journalism, history, democratic jurisprudence (trial by jury), reason (common sense), natural law and observation, the constitution and the government authority it provides (law and order), philosophy, popular opinion, and the author of all truth, God.  When I consult them carefully, I will always find a consensus that confirms what’s lasting, real, and true.  I realize easily what matters most, and seek guidance from others who have this same wisdom.

SEVERE COSTS

of lying to myself or others

Losing my way often because of my bad maps of reality; exhaustion from defending those maps and avoiding the briefer but greater pain of seeing how much I’ve missed; keeping up with my lies; longing to be trusted (like the little boy crying wolf); finding no one I trust or admire is with me in my filter bubble; believing my own lies; being defensive when criticized; not understanding why I can’t live up to my own standards;  feeling like a fraud, afraid of being exposed.  

SOLID BENEFITS

of being honest with myself and others

Remembering the word trust comes from the word truth, and honesty from honor, when I say that I trust you with the truth, I honor us both with my honesty.  The truth sets me free, to change my mind in response to new evidence.  Being a lifelong learner gives me a life that’s interesting, to me and others.  Being honest with God and others confesses my sin, allowing me to receive enough forgiveness to give it freely back to others, and to myself.  I don’t have to discount the love, respect, and understanding of other healthy people, because they know and like the real me, warts and all.

My deceitfulness feeds my sick, dying, make-believe self, which can only feed the same in others. 

My honesty feeds my real, healthy, fruitful self, and from my fullness, I feed the wellness of others.

Issues of Truth, Reality, Authority, Validity, Power

Which people do I believe about what’s true, real, lasting and powerful? 

What makes me believe they know? 

And which organizations do I believe are the most trustworthy and truthful? 

Why do I trust them?

Do these people and organizations ever admit their mistakes, realize the harm they’ve done, and use this pain to motivate themselves to change their ways?   

Or do they just point out the mistakes of others?

Are my truth sources trusted by my family at home, by those I work with and work for in public?

What authorities do I honor with my news filters, my time and money? Which do I reject? Why them?

When I list the people and organizations I most trust to guide me, the ones I tell others to trust, if I look at the chart to see healthy and sickening fruits, how healthy are my guides?  How healthy am I?

Receiving Junk Foods of Denial	Receiving­ Whole Foods of Honesty
­­I pay little attention to seeking new informationà	In all settings I’m seeking to learn new things
I get new information from similar, limited sources à	I enjoy seeking different views on things I see
My one authority for truth needs no confirmation à	I seek confirmation in various wisdom streams
I believe I don’t need to learn or grow any more à	I seek first to understand, then to be understood
I believe everybody lies and covers up to get ahead à	Yes many do lie, but I feel a few can be trusted
I arrange my life in very separate compartments à	I align with the same values/beliefs everywhere
Listening for what my itching ears want to hear à	Listening for painful truths that will set me free

Sharing Sickening Fruits of Denial	Sharing Healthy Fruits of Honesty
If it would hurt your feelings, I won’t give you criticism	I criticize to help you and others, now and later
I believe admitting mistakes shows weakness	I admit mistakes to repair damages to others and me
I hear only my own criticism, speak only criticism to others	I take criticism publicly and I process it privately
My lies are validated by what they do for me	If a lie works to fool others, it will also fool me
I show only my best to all so I’ll be admired	I show all to some so I’ll be known and loved

My deceitfulness feeds my sick, dying, make-believe self,

    which can only feed the same in others.  à

My honesty feeds my real, healthy, fruitful self, and from

     my fullness, I feed the wellness of others.

Parenting Tips

RAISING HEALTHY CHILDREN

WHO KNOW AND TELL THE TRUTH

Behind everything we’ve been taught about truth, we can find an awful lot of truth:

Don’t tell lies.   Moses, quoting God in the 10 Commandments, modern translation

Honesty is telling the truth to other people.  Integrity is telling myself the truth.  Spencer Johnson

Every lie is two lies: the lie we tell others and the lie we tell ourselves to justify it.  Robert Brault

We are as sick as our secrets.  12- step recovery

Honesty is the best policy.   Shakespeare

My dad taught me to realize that by admitting my mistakes and taking my punishment, I would get my pain over with, and minimize it.  Life has taught me the same thing.  That’s why parents should explain to their children that they will give light punishment for acts of selfishness, impulsivity, and poor judgment, and heavier punishment for deliberate lies to cover up those acts.  It’s the same for broken promises (but we can make better promises, when we get better information).

Preschool  and Elementary Years

A good parent might say, “You wish you hadn’t broken that.  But you did.  You wish you could forget you broke that.  But I want you to remember, so you can learn not to do that again.  You wish I would not know that you broke that, or that I wouldn’t care, but I know, and here’s why I care. . . .”

During these years, children need to learn from The Boy who Cried Wolf.  Punish lies by not believing a lying child later, the next time they may be trying to avoid punishments they deserve.  Don’t believe things if the evidence and the track records indicate otherwise.  Our discipline should prepare children for how things will go for them in life:  Actions have consequences.  When you abuse a privilege, you lose a privilege.  That’s life.

Middle and High School

At this age, friends and peer groups sometimes create experiences that teach sickening habits and attitudes to our children, and give them a false reality, about what’s real, what works, and what’s important.  They need us to correct these deceptions, and they need to learn how they can tell those things for themselves.   Tell them it’s all about what will make them and other people sick or healthy. 

Ask children to identify what types of sources they are using to determine what’s true or real.

Then tell them where you get your truth, and why. 

The best sources of truth

 for all concerned in the long run are, in order:

Spiritual truths, found in the Bible and church traditions, which have stood the test of time;

Physical/natural truths, found in objective, academic/scientific research, and

Socially determined truths, found in laws, courts, elections, and healthy polls and journalism. 

The next best sources of truth:

Their parents’ reality (yes, that’s you -- they know you’re biased, so it’s best to admit it.  It’s also best to ask them to say where they think you aren’t being honest, and then admit your own lies), and

Their own mental and emotional reality (their feelings, memories, opinions, and beliefs, which are biased like yours, but even moreso to indulge and protect themselves).

The absolute worst sources of truth:

Sources with vested interests - The most biased set of beliefs and “facts” are from people who are even more motivated to lie outright than the healthy personal sources just described.  For example, advertisements are designed to make money.  Campaign spots are paid to get someone elected.  Online posts make more money now or later if they get more hits.  Anything using pornography to get or keep your attention is downright evil and dangerous.    

As a parent, you will be tempted to explain what you know and believe about those biased subcultures.  But it works better to ask adolescent and young adult children to research this for themselves.  Ask them to tell you what they have found out about where their “authorities” are getting their truth.  This can be really interesting.  If they don’t come back and tell you what their research has found, they are demonstrating they’re just believing what makes them feel good about themselves, the way preschoolers do. 

Finally, you will be more credible to your child if you seriously ask yourselves as parents these questions:

Do we keep our promises, and make only promises that need to be kept?

Do we lie to avoid facing the truth about ourselves?  Do we admit it when we do?

Do we learn from painful truths that set us free from our illusions and bad habits?

Do we show submission to authority for truth, power, reality, and validity that’s higher than ours?

Do we check the facts about what’s going on in the world by consensus of different sources? 

Who do we trust to know what’s most important, what will last?  Why do we trust them?

Do we spend too much time with realities that are virtual, instead of virtuous and real?

What groups, leaders, or celebrities are we most loyal to?  Do we know what they’re loyal to?

Do we lecture our children, or do we ask them all these questions, to draw the truth out of them? 

When you explain what you learned from asking yourselves these questions, you have earned the right to be believed.  If your child doesn’t answer the questions, and doesn’t believe you either, explain that until they do, they are forfeiting their seat at the table where their privileges and discipline are decided.  That seat has to be earned by adult behavior.  Until then, you will set the consequences for their actions without their input.